urwhatiwant

WOW

2010-03-17T06:24:00.001-07:00

So much has happened in the last few days, I'm not sure where to begin. In my last post I spoke about my uneasiness about writing the LSAT and my yearning for starting a career in public relations and social media. Well Ladies and Gents....I am NOW working in public relations and social media. I'm totally excited, I'm exhausted and elated!! I've been writing, editing and Facebook and twittering my tail off and I love it. I'm also working with a client in brand managing and image consulting. I'm totally excited and I'm loving it. Media is something I've always felt compelled too and I plan to work hard so that I can make my name in this business and that means LOTS of events, charities and networking events. So I plan to give this blog a makeover and start one that deals with Fashion, Beauty and relationships...and also put some pics of myself out and about.

I'm happy and I've finally found what I enjoy doing and I'm being paid for it!! So I hope those that read this blog will follow me to my NEW blog. I'm thinking of naming it the MASH UP! Just a mish mash of what I like, dislike and my mish mash of opinions.

I'm starting some courses at a local college to get my feet wet in a journalism progam and I plan to start my Masters in December. So look out for me!! WORLD HERE I COME!

Much has happened since...

2010-03-04T14:53:00.001-08:00

Much has happened since the last time I posted less than 26 hours ago. The last time we spoke i made a comment about how much of a cross road I was at and that I needed help focusing on what made me happy and most importantly fulfilled. I had a long conversation with a fellow fashionista about her website and career. We seem like minded and I'm joining her team as a consultant and a media expert. I'm by no means an media expert I have a hard enough time keeping up with this blog. I do love the Internet and I've made connections with people and changed my life because of blog posts. I'm a lazy fan though and I hardly ever comment which will have to change in the soon coming months. In order for my plan and career to work I have to nurture it and give it the attention it needs.

So I'm starting new blog that will be a MASHUP of all my favorite things including food, fashion, books and the scene. I also plan to do some vblogging as soon as I get my hands on a nifty flip cam. So there you have it, I'm kicking myself in the butt and getting this thing moving. Thank you for all who read and I hope you enjoy my thoughts and words because they come from the heart and I think I'm pretty well-rounded chick. Oh please believe there will be relationship drama, frenemies and weight loss burhaha...

wish me luck
McKenzie!

To Law or Not to Law

2010-03-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

It's Confession Time...

as far as my goals for the New Year I have reached some and I have totally flaked on others. The main one is studying for the LSAT I am totally behing and I'm not putting in any effort as well. I think I'm just a student that has to be in the classroom because I'm having a hard time disciplining myself. I'm not sure if I want to be a lawyer for the prestige or if I'm pursuing it because I want to fulfil some need. I know my grades are not what they should be I also know that I have to get a ROCKING grade on my LSAT if I even stand a chance and it seems like every dufus around me is getting in law school. Ahhhh I need some heavenly help on this I hope through prayer that I find that one thing that I really need to do. As far as keeping up with this blog, clearly I've been lacking but I have a new job where I'm taking control of the social media for the an non=profit organization. I hope this might be the entry into what I want. I was listening to a podcast about FREEDOM and it really rang true to me. That's what I want, freedom to make decisions and to guide my life into one that glorifies God and all that he has done for me. I really love social media and I believe I would do a good job on television reporting the news or current events. I just hope I find an opening somwhere and if I do I know that I will give it 100%. So what to do about Law School. I'm going to really dedicate myself to studyiing for 3 hours a day just so that I can learn the art of discipline. Just like working out you just have to do it without excuses to get results. Talking about workout I feel like I've lost some weight, it could be due to the fact that now that I'm doing some temp work I actually eat less because I'm constantly being hounded by the people I work for. That's the one thing I love about blogging. I have the opputunity to vent and just get some of the frustration out. I plan to get the last two courses that I need with my nect check and really buckle down to get work done. I owe it to myself to finish what I've started because I have a lot to offer and I'm hardworking. So Master's Degree or Law School...what do you think????

On to some totally frivilous stuff. I went on a total shopping spree this past weekend. I shopped till I was weak. I literally bought out Club Monaco haha..I love that store and if I continue to work downtown I totally want to get a job there again. The clothes are awesome and the discount aint that bad either woot woot.

Breakdown of What I bought

-Club Monaco Grey Boyfriend Jacket

-Grey Club Monaco Shawl

-Stripped Gap skirt

-Gap long sleeve tees

-7 odds and ends from Zara (post to come about that questionable store)

I also found my next watch

Tiger and Music

2010-02-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

Unless you're living under a rock you either watched or heard about the "Tiger Woods WAH WAH of the year" My opinion on the whole matter is a bit nouveau because I believe that people cheat ALL THE TIME and it's quite easy to get caught up in the lifestyle if one does not have a strong will. People in relationships check out other people ALL the time and the line between checking to touching is very thin especially if given the opportunity. I've never been one to check in on boyfriends or even look through a cell phone so I'm not totally sure how one would feel if cheated on. I do know this, I would not embarrass myself or run after my mate with a golf club. I feel sorry for Elin, its not easy to have your business flashed all over the media and the "ladies" that Mr. Woods had extra-marital affairs with are (pause) special to say the least. I wish he had chose beautiful girls or girls who even looked like Elin (she's very pretty) but he chose dog-faced women which is insulting in of its self. Moral of the story kiddies: Either you cheat with stealth or you make sure that the ladies/gents that you mess around with have something to lose as well. No use in shacking up with hee-haw from Kentucky whose looking for a come up, ya dig?

On to some exciting news..to me. My Ipod Touch was under major construction but whilst studying for my LSAT prep class it dawned me that I could send pay pal some money and blah blah I got it cleared up and my $25 gift card is ALMOST finished. I love music and I have everything from Tina Turner, Donnell Jones to Keane just some random crazy stuff. :) So I downloaded a bunch of running music because I'm on the 5k plan and I hope to compete at a church event in July. So I am a very happy camper and maybe I'll start to use my Daniel (my ipod's name) now that it actually works:)

Cheers..

p.s diet is going well but I'm still hating all this stomach flab BOOOOO

preppy tip: don't forget how versatile cardigans can be. Layering especially with this persnickety weather makes the "cardi" the PERFECT transitional piece.

Hearts & Lent

2010-02-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend was pretty low-key... I didn't have a Valentine so I just hung with my cousins and went shopping on Monday. I didn't buy anything mind you because I'm really trying to guilt myself into taking my diet/workout more seriously so no new clothes until I can fit in my old ones. I was thinking a lot about S this weekend as he just blew up on me and has not made contact over the last few days. I think his problem was more of a All-Star weekend & Valentine hybrid but his email was shocking and puzzling. Alas, better I know that he's crazy now then later. As for my other friend D, I have no heard from him and I've deleted both from all accounts. I feel at peace because its very important that I'm treated very well by anyone that I choose to spend time with. It was my exes birthday yesterday, he turned 33 and I chose again to leave it in the past and just ignore his special day HA! I know it seems cruel but I think in order to break a bad habit you have to turn you back completely on it. I've been thinking a lot about Lent and trying to decide what I want to give up. I leaning towards not eating after 8 and processed food & meat. We'll see but if you're planning to give up anything please let me know in the comment section.

I think this Valentine hit particularly hard because for the first time I really had no one to call or even boo love. Plus no one called or offered to boo love which made it particularly sad. I have to decide this year if I'm going to really pursue relationships or be single, I told myself that I would stop dating until May and I totally fell off that bandwagon and ended up having two mini breakups, So back to the drawing board which is drawing a big NO the next time a guy tries to "holler" or someone tries to hook me up.

anyways toodles..I need to study, write a chapter of my book and possibly go on a long walk with a podcast!!

p.s I NEED THESE SHOES above!!

Boys Boys Boys

2010-02-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

I accomplished nothing today for good reason its' THAT time of month and I have nothing to give or offer on the first day. This week did not end well though I did give out resumes and start my book I did not study or put in my contacts. I plan to tackle that tomorrow and over the weekend. Now that we've cleared that out of the way let's get down to the real subject of this post. Boys Boys Boys:) Ahhh my love life has is more drama filled then a year worth of storylines from Young and the Restless. I have no luck in the love department a lot of it is my fault but I've dated some crazies and some good guys that I have literally spoiled. I have a bit of a commitment issue and I tend to get excited about a guy then 3 weeks later get bored with them. Its like Christmas when we meet and Halloween 3 weeks later. Well this latest guy that I've been talking to:

Talking: when you're not officially dating the person you're just in the beginning phase of the relationship.

We started off as friends and I believed that everything was going well, there was mild flirtation and he seemed like a well adjusted young man. He was young (26) but he seemed so mature that I let it slide. Well 2 weeks ago something turned and he totally shared with me his feelings about how much he liked me and how he was feening for me...totally shocked the shit out of me but I went along with it and we started talking during the day and night and we became text messaging champs, Well something happened and he is know ignoring me ????!!!?!???? Now if this was 5 years ago I would have sat down and analyzed this but at this point in my life I could care less. I mean who does this loser think he is, I thought about if I had offended him and even asked him what was wrong, he said nothing and I chose to believe him. Well he was on Facebook today and he did send any sort of greeting so I deleted him this evening and blocked him off MSN. Drastic...YES but I'm not playing those kiddie games this year. He can go sit in a corner...I have no patience for foolishness like that and I don't go around begging men for affection. I believe its the whole "Crap its almost Valentine's Day what should I do" I'm not playing that and don't even get me started on Mr. F who after a few outings has dropped off the face of the earth he can also kick rocks. So I'm back to my original plan of NOT talking or dating anyone until May. I need sometime to myself and I have no time or energy to be persuing relationships. It's not personal but I have somethings I have to clear up and out before I devote my time or heart to anyone.

The diet went well until I went to Bulk Barn today but its the 1st day of YOU KNOW WHAT..so I allow myself anything to eat I just have to workout tomorrow. I believe a run is in order

HOLLA

come back tomorrow where I discuss my latest Fashion Obsession:) call this my new Friday Feature:)

Losing the LAST !5 POUNDS and a Novel

2010-02-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

So long story short I gained a lot of weight in the last two years and with some hard work and dedication I've taken more than half off. For some reason either my body is lazy or maybe my consumption of cookies have stalled my recent weight loss efforts. I have never had so much weight issues in my life as I've had in the last 4 years and I know once you get older your metabolism slows but this extra 15 is driving me bananas. I am doing the Lose It app on my Ipod-which is a daily tracking of my caloric consumption and trying to stay away from crappy food. In Alabama I tend to eat more of a plant/fruit driven diet but being in Toronto has kind of side swiped me. I'm back on the plan and exercising regularly so hopefully this weight will be off by my birthday in May. I really want to be 130-135 by my birthday. My goal weight 125 pounds which is small but where I feel best. I believe that once I find a job ( OH LORD I NEED A JOB) the weight will drop off. I tend to be skinnier whilst working, its kind of weird but it works for me. So though everything feels soggy I will persevere and remind myself that being healthy and fit is important because my body is a temple.

On the GET MY LIFE IN ORDER front, I took a test which basically proved to me that Media and/or Law is right up my alley. I know I belong on television I just have to find a way to get my foot in the door. I also got some disappointing news regarding a class, totally my fault I can't believe sometimes how much of a slacker I was..but I plan to rectify that wrong as soon as my check comes in the mail. I also started on which will hopefully be my first NOVEL!! Yes, the test also said that I could be an author and to be honest I always have movie and book plots floating through my head so I thought I would put some creativity down on paper. I have 3 chapters finished so far and its turning into a May-December Psycho Romance. Teenage Black girl falls in love with middle aged politician. Yeahhhh crazy huh;) Unfortch the contact front has not being going that well and the LSAT studying was interrupted by my crazy younger brother. I have to invest in laptop hopefully a MAC very soon.

I'm off to study/surf the net hee hee
HOLLA!

Haiti Relief Concert

2010-02-08T12:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I hosted a concert benefitting the people of Haiti. The event was sponsored by ADRA and it was very encouraging to see so many people come out on Super Bowl Sunday to support the devastated people of Haiti. I, for one sometime take for granted all that God has done for me and I turn into a HUGE Cindy the Complainer. Well this tragedy has shed some light on how blessed I am and how important supporting humanitarian relief is. I woke up Sunday morning with a bloated stomach and I decided that I had to hit the street literally and I went on a hour walk. It felt nice to be outside and it calmed and relaxed me. While walking I thought a lot about my life, my goals and my NEW kind of not really boo:) I had a set back with a class and it really discouraged me but I have to dust myself off just like the people of Haiti and "keep it moving". So I plan to hand out some resumes, network and move forward. My life is a bit unstructured right now but hopefully with a job I'll be able to to balance, life, work and study.
If you feel impressed to help the people of Haiti and I think eventually yourself visit these sites

http://adra.com

This is not a Haitian problem, but a WORLD problem

hello...again?

2010-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

So this blogging thingy isn't going so well for me..I take super long breaks and I guess since I'm well aware that no one is reading it, so I kind of get lax with it. This shall change starting today. I will blog solely to keep track of my progress in all things McKenzie. So for this inaugural part deux post I will list some of things that I want to accomplish by May 25th my birthday;

1) lose 15 pounds
2) Finish ALL course work
3) Run a 5k
4) Salsa Dance
5) Find a job I like/love
6) Feel confident with the LSAT
7) own a pair of Christian Louboutins (hey back off I can be frivolous)
8) Blog EVERYDAY
9) Eat 90% Vegetarian/Vegan
10) Perfect conversational French
11) Get in a serious relationship

So there you have it..I'm sure I will add some of things but for now that's the short list. Some things that you might not know.
1) I've been singing for almost 20 years
2) I'm legally blind in my left eye..contact post to come
3) I'm obsessed with fashion
4) I just quit my job
5) I taking the LSAT in June
6) I literally have a dozen lip glosses in my purses
7) don't even get me started on purses :)
8) I'm a foodie and my hips hate me for it
9) I have commitment issues
10) I'm religious

check back with me as I change my life:)

*hosting Haiti Relief Concert Sunday Feb 7, 2010
*producing a commercial for Crawford Adventist Academy

What Would Jackie Do?

2009-12-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

For all intents and purposes this blog started off as a lifestyle blog. I wanted to showcase some of my favorite things, fashion, food and culture. This blog slowly but surely became a weight loss blog...hmmmm. I'm losing the last 20 pounds so it seemed apropos to record everything I ate..yeah I hardly do that HA! So let me get back to the original purpose of this blog...My name is McKenzie and I'm obsessed with ALL THINGS JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY ONASSIS or plainly JACKIE OOOOOOOOO. My infatuation started at a young age and I simply adore her for the obvious reasons, fashion, lifestyle and romantical interests. I also love her for being a savvy career woman, being independent and defining the art of keeping a cool upper lip. I had dramatical overtures and drama so she has always been my go-to person for grace under fire.
One of my favorite books on Mrs. K is "What Would Jackie Do?" by Shelly Branch & Sue Callaway. This book has hundreds of gems & pearls about our beloved Jacqueline and I hope to showcase one pearl a day or post. If you read my blog..clearly no one does but I have had my fair share of romantical failures *yes I know that romantical is a made up word* I actually broke up with someone this evening...I'll update on that later so I'm back in the saddle looking for my tall, dark, handsome, fabulously wealthy spouse ;).

While I wait I plan to start this new year with the year of remaking myself. I'm currently looking for a new job, a new boyfriend and new adventures. So tag along as venture to remake myself. I will still update with my food choices and I will showcase fashion that I'm totally digging right now:)

woot woot LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!

-for your reading pleasure...
Pg. 107

Male Type NO

-Men who weigh less than you do- or who have smaller feet
-Dentists from New Jersey
-Men who can't dance
-Men with a sense of entitlement
-Philanderers who make no attempt to hide their infidelity
-Pretentious playboys

Unsure

2009-12-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

Food Stats:

10 Wings from Buffalo Wild Wing Mango Habernero/Asian Ting
1 Grapefruit
Loads of water
Cuban Blackbean Bisque
6 sweet potato circles
half of a Flat Out Wrap
small piece of Chicken
Diet Pepsi
4 cups of Green Tea Stamin by Yogi Tea
75 minutes on the treadmil
10 min Abs

It was a decent day..yeah the wings weren't the best choice but hey what's a girl to do on 50cent wing night. My really issue for blogging tonight was "the boyfriend" who I call HB who may technically be my fiancee but yeah umm whatever. Now I know its declasse to talk about money and money related things...but this shit is getting to me. I'm currently studying for my LSAT and I want to enroll into Law School this coming fall. My fiancughh (yeah I just made that up) is a social worker by trade but right now he's currently unemployed. I'm concerned that he has no plans to better himself at least in the near future> Now, I love fashion, good times and experiencing life. He speaks a good game but I'm not sure if he'll be able to support me or better yet himself. Should I stick it out or should I jet while I still have a window of opportunity. I hate feeling like I have to sacrifice and at this age..I cannot. Yes I sound selfish but I can't help it. Blah

Anyhoooo I've been catching up on "The City" love this freaking show. I mean can I move to New York and live out my fashion dreams I would love to design and sing! Both are my passions..I can relate to the Erin & Olivia situation..Erin needs to quit it and get some self-esteem I hate chicks who have such negative energy when they feel threatened by successful women. Girl STOP!

ps. maybe Olivia needs to stop Episode 18 Hit and Quit it is shedding an unflattering light on her..she needs to get to work and stop flitting around:)

and the band played on..

2009-11-26T13:27:00.001-08:00

The feasting continued late last night. I guess my body just wanted to be fed. I'm sitting in my office, reeling after a huge blow-up with my fiancee/nemesis. So instead of spending Thanksgiving with him and a friend. I'll be spending time with a long lost love who is currently depressed. I had a wonderful meal:
-WW Flat Out Wrap
=Sweet Potato
- Raw Mushrooms
-Morningstar Mushroom Burgah (I'm obsessed with this burger)
-Noosh

it was tasty I'm full and very happy. I also did an hour of walking/running around the track. I also watched a 77year old man run 10 times around the track talk about inspiration!!
I plan to hit the track early in the morning!! I really love running, it hurts but it feels great!! My friend plans to get food so hopefully I can find some veggietarian or vegan choices..I'm not really feel the meat of lately:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

eat, eat, eat and when in doubt eat

2009-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

I ate all day today..these are the deets

2 handfuls of trail mix
Triscuits, hummus & pepperjack cheese
Cliff Bar with pb
Large salad with mushrooms, spinach, fotina cheese, orzo and sweet potato
Green Tea
Oatmea w/lemon cupcake crushed & almond butter
3 spoonfuls of Chobani greek yogurt w/lemon & almond butter
small piece of Pb & J Mojo Bar

should I be concerned..I guess it was unhealthy food it just felt like I couldnt get full..I'm now backtracking on my water for the day..
I also did an hour of fast paced walking while reading Twilight and listening to Diana Ross

Tomorrow I have plans with my friend to eat her family..I'm going to have to run in the morning..to offset the good food. I'm also bringing cupcakes..i'll post some pictures!

Late Night Piggy

2009-11-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have any tips for late night snacking..sometimes I kill my workout progress by noshing at night:(

Being & Thinking Thin

2009-11-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

I really believe that if you put your faith in something that eventually it will come true. I believe that I will get into law school and I believe that I will eventually fit back into my beloved size 2's. I love looking at pictures of women from the 40's & 50's. One of my favorite ladies for fashion, style and thinness is Mrs. Wallis Simpson. I love Mrs. Simpson because of the glamour, love for her man and her weight and views on it. I know that we all have different body shapes but I do believe that its important to have a role model on days where eating becomes a sport instead of used for nutrition. Mrs. Wallis famously said that you could never be too thin or too rich. View points that I agree wholeheartedly with lol. One of the tricks that she has used over the years as well as Coco Chanel is that they always say "no". I have an issue with saying "no" and I'm learning that the older I get I love the power of that two letter word. When it comes on to dessert or treats I often ask myself "do I really need this" I also conjure up a picture of thin and lovely Ms. Wallis and I remember that clothes taste better than food.

I've come a long way from eating for eating sake and I believe that friends sometimes will sabotage your weight loss goals. I have a friend who is heavy set and she of course loves to eat. I enjoy eating as well, but I love to fuel my body instead of giving it unnecessary calories and sugar. I have to stand firm and give strong No's when it comes to eating out with her, sometime she pouts but I can't get into my cherished size 4 if I'm eating fries all night. I think the only thing that I need to conquer is eating late at night. I'm a horrible sleeper so when I wake up which is often during the night I find myself starving to the death. I'm unsure of what causes my hunger, it could be sleeping with the lights on or not drinking enough water. I think sleeping with a face mask and having a cup of water by my bed will help with my nocturnal eating. If not I'm going to have to cut up fruit or veggies and leave them out for snacking. Funny if I'm sleeping with someone ie (mother! GET YOUR MIND OUT THE GUTTAH)! I don't normally eat during the night:)

For the rest of 2009 lets pratice small no's and hopefully that will translate to a wisp like waist like Sis. Wallis!

NOLA

2009-11-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

I went to New Orleans last week and I had a MARVY time..wow what a city!! The food, the architecture, the food (lol). I'm in love. I really want to go to Law School there and make a move this coming summer. Leaving my job will be difficult but I'm ready to transition and meet some LONG overdue goals. My fiancee/boyfriend is excited and I'm a little scared of this whole "marriage" thing. Parts of me would rather just "live in sin" lol. I'm hoping that God will send me a sign in regards to this guy being "the one". I ate A LOT of good and bad food and I'm paying for it now. I have a goal of ten pounds before Christmas break so I'm cleaning up my diet majorly. Just wanted to check in..pics to come!!

its been a good weekend

2009-11-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

I did'nt do much today or this weekend for that matter but I ate well and made some decisions about my health. I decided that I really want to stay away from meat as much as possible. I can feel the effects of it and I really feel better when I eat a more plant based diet. I'm also lacing up my running shoes for a good old run this evening. I'm going on a mini vaca on Thursday and I totally want to prepare myself for the onslaught of food. The only thing I really want to try is the beignets from Cafe du Monde..can you guess where I'm going!??!!???

I also have a confessions..I'm OBSESSED with pb puffins...that box lasted 3 days so delicious. I plan to buy some more and mix it with some Kashi Go Lean so tasty, with a dollop of pb. I'm trying to really cut the late night eating..I find if I don't have junk in room then its not a big issues. My stomach, thighs and butt are about to get a major thrashing so I'm lovely saying GOODBYE to the muffin top and looking forward to much leaner days. I know where I want to be by Christmas so I have some work to do..all in all life is good I'm focused and ready to recommit myself to my eating healthy habit!!

Breakfast:

A salad (weird huh)
green beans
lettuce
tomatoes
sweet potato
green beans
broccoli
cauliflower

Dinner:

Butternut Squash Soup w/Navy Beans
a snack sampler: Raw Mushrooms, Green Beans and nasty greasy veggie chicken
1 Roll
and a St. Croix grapefruit fizzy water drink
I'm sitting here with my boo watching him watch football and surfing the net. I hope to go to Barnes tonight for some Glama Magazine Time!! Holla BACK!!

2009-10-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

So I went to Cantina Laredo and had a wonderful time..I ate a lot of random stuff and it was nice to be treated so well in a restaurant. Cantina Laredo is considered to be one of the nicer spots to eat in my little town. My "friend" and I aka the friendly giant went after church. We ate for free and the chef kept bringing out loads of food to the point where we had to say stop. We had sandwiches, apple pie, salads, nachos it was an all out feast. I had to drink A LOT of water and I made a cautious effort to start the week on a high note. I am totally OFF THE WAGON..but I bought a bunch of groceries and I'm on it. I bought my first honey crisp apple and I plan to sample it today, I also got some PB Puffins and SO FAR SO FREAKING GOOD! Love them little puffed treats and the puffins are pretty cute as well;) So this muffin top is still there but I'm at least acknowledging that it must be gone before December 18th. I believe 3 pounds a week are in order and LOTS OF WATER, SLEEP AND EXERCISE!!!
My dissatisfaction is all in my core..my stomach is one roly poly mess but I guess eating less carbs and cardio will help I'm just impatient ahh well back to good ole' billy for me:)

check out some pics!!

2009-10-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

so yeah I lost my post on this evening..but this is a teaser..so stick around and I'll give you the full deets later on this evening;)

Meat Vs. Meat

2009-10-17T09:28:00.001-07:00

ahhhh so I stopped eating meat for a 2 weeks and I was enjoying it. I started eating meat and I broke out, found myself frustrated and was just having some major stomach issues. So I guess I should lay off the beef and chicken and try enjoying some more veggies and fruit. I was totally bloated and I feel like I've gained some weight and my workouts haven't been as consistent and hard as normal. This coming Sunday I plan to write out a schedule and stick to my food plan. Less eating out and more salads, fruit and whole grains. I really want to hit a solid 6 by the second week of November and a 4 by January! I totally miss my Green Monsters and I may have to totally want to get rid of this stomach and I know I have get focused if I plan to lose it. Friends and associates will derail you with every chance they get so I have to really watch what I put in my mouth. I also have to up the workouts a this week..I said it last week but clearly that didn't happen ha! Oh well I need to lose the hip and stomach and I'm going to DO IT!!

yesterday I ate:
-3 Reece pieces mini chocolates
-4 ribs
-roll
-watermelon
-Cliff Bar
-Triscuts 1 serving
-3 litres of water
2 cups of Green Tea
7 jalapeno chips

WHAT KIND OF FACKING FOOD JOURNAL ENTRY is THIS!! hahahaha

ahhh Supper Club

2009-10-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

So again another week of eating HAWT CRAP! here follows a run down of my food..

I had a gyro which was pretty good with my new intended
I had a chicken biscuit and 2 eggs at Wild Rose Cafe and it was freaking delicious!!
I had 2 Chai Lattes from Angel's Cafe THE BEST CHAI I HAVE EVER HAD
I had a crazy good dinner at Catina Laredo..I had 2 chicken enchiladas with some rice and green beans TOTALLY GOOD..but the best part about it is the Apple Pie with cinnamon ice cream and HOT FREAKING BRANDY BUTTAH..lord have mercy it was soooo good..,,then yesterday I had a huge burger..this had been a BAD WEEK but I did have some veggies for Sabbath dinner and that was a first. I think I've been eating out way too much and now that a certain friend is gone I will be do much better..I'm sure I have no lost any weight this week and I'm resisting the temptation to actually weigh myself. I do have a PRAISE REPORT..my size 4 long and lean jeans from the GAP..my go to for weight loss and it fits over my bum. It can't button mind you but its all core issues my stomach which is always the last thing to is laughing at me. I think I have to do more veggies, no meat, and 2 sessions of cardio a day..Ahh weight loss journey. I also have to up the water and just get back to my old self and buy some groceries!!

EMO

2009-09-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today were rocky days..gee Louise.
-So I'm totally blind I have a degenerative eye disease called Keratoconus and its slowly ruining my vision. I found out today that my vision has gotten worse and that this disease will literally send me to the poor house. When I think of my bills I automatically think about marrying Akeem and saying "Fack It".
- I totally hate my job and I'm tired of not getting paid..long story too sad to recount.
-I am falling out of love with "Old Man River" so quickly its shocking to me
-I'm signing up for boxing classes
-I miss my blender very much and Green Monsters
-I miss my mother terribly and I want to go home
-I cannot wait to be a solid size 4 again, I'm enjoying my workouts and running every night esp. while listening to "Thriller"
-this guy who frequents my office likes me
-he's HUGE lol
-I need to find a second job and maybe even a third
-I want to move to California
-I hope God sends me some mayjah signs soon I'm getting quite restless

Shape Up

2009-09-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've kind of fallen off the wagon..I did mention that in my last post. I looked over my diet and I have been eating some ish that is totally out of control and not in my plan. I do commend myself for at least realizing that I'm eating junk and making a concerted effort to stop. I believe that once you start eating junk food you start to crave it and of lately I've been craving it badly. I do believe part of this has to do with my cycle but I think in lieu of my personal life eating crap has just made me feel plain good. I tend to stress eat so I have to be very careful of what I eat and my portions. I also find that my sleeping habits are out of wack again so I have to be more diligent in making sure I'm actually laying down by 11:30 no later than 1am.

So yesterday my meals included

Green Tea
5 spoonfuls of Oatmeal

Jason's Deli Bird to the Wise/ SO FATTENING but tasty. I ate the sandwich in two parts..and I also had a bag of chips and a serving of steamed veggies. I plan to buy some groceries today because I've been eating out like crazy and I rather be in control of what I eat. I also had about 7 peanut-butter saltine sandwiches and some jolly ranchers and peach tea..

so yeah I need to quit and start eating much cleaner. Fruits & Veggies minimize the carbs.

I'm still working out I wish my thighs and stomach would get smaller I feel so hippy but I know I can lose the weight I just have to watch my intake and try walking a few times a night.
Today is a busy day so off I go..wish me luck with my meals and my overall health:)

Jacqueline

2009-09-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm currently reading "All to Human" by Edward Klein.

I bought 2 other books..an autobiography on Edward Moore Kennedy and a book called Life after Jack...

yes I'm a KENNEDY stan.. and I hope to write a book about Jackie and the 3 Kennedy boys one day:)

ps. I also got a copy of Death of a President which is no longer published so yes I AM SO HAPPY!!!

on to my eating which has literally been out of control for the last few days

Friday

Oatmeal w/almond buttah and crushed Cliff Bar

Oatmeal Cream Pie

1 triangle of a quesidilla

Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 order of Parmasean Garlic Fries

1 bag of smartfood popcorn

half a Cliffbar

1 nectarine

Rice Dream Vanilla Bar

UMMM I NEED TO SLOW MY ROLL

Saturday

Lunch: Navy Beans, Spinach, Salmon, 4 cheese rice, orange pepper, carrots and hummus & Rice Dream Vanilla Bar

Dinner: Amy's Organic Burrito with Cheddar Cheese, Brussell Sprouts & Navy Beans, Snickers Bar, Fridays Buffalo Sticks

this is not good I'm eating a lot of ish and I need to quit..I believe this calls for a two workout a day week..argghhh oh well I have 20 more pounds to go they aint coming off like this..gotta keep focused...oh I drank loads of water and some gingerale..bah!

M.I.A

2009-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I know no one reads this but I will say on my part that I need to do better and blog for my satisfaction and to keep track of the things that I digest. I have been living a pretty clean life and eating good and balanced meals for the last few weeks. One thing about eating healthy is that I find myself in the grocery store more often and I also find myself spending a lot of moolah. Its coo though (haha) I have one body and it deserves the best. One thing that I found funny is that because I am taking the time to eat better and think about myself more the people around me who should be hppy aren't. I notice that students are little more curt with me , my ex-boyfriend no longer compliments me and that I get evil eyes when I'm on the elliptical. Its fine...I just forgot how it used to be when I was slimmer. I think I'm about 15 pounds from being where I first started off and another 7 pounds from being my former size 2-4. I am excited to get back into all my old clothes and I find it fun to "ship my closet" as I find outfits that I used to wear as far as 7 years ago.

It's still shocking to me that I got so far out of control My weight loss goals will net me at a 70 pounds weight loss and even typing that makes me wince. I can never put myself secondary or last again. I'm in a weird transitioning place where I'm beginning to question everything and everyone. I now know that my job is temporary and that at my age I need to make some quick decisions or I will be at a total dead-end job with no money and prospects. I have picked up the LSAT for the 100th time and I'm finally studying...though challenging I am committed to finally taking the test this February and applying to Law School. It will be tough my GPA is not what it should be and I have to do really well on the test but I have told the desires of my heart to the Lord so I know that HE will make a way for me. I am also debating Graduate School for the fall so I have a lot of stuff on my plate. Relationship wise...my relationship of the last two years is at a dead-end. I find myself not caring or missing him at all. This past Sunday nipped it in the bud for me as we shared an unfortunate kiss and now I know there is no need for us to go any further than we are. I'm pretty much done and I have to get to the point where I live independently no matter how lonely I get. As for my past relationship....what a waste of time. That trip and person is SOOOO OVER I cannot even explain it nor do I have the energy to do so. I think past mistakes withstanding I will always feel a sense of responsibility when I think of him...but my self-esteem and heart cannot take any more disappointments and any decisions I have made I did them for a reason because I simply did not love him enough.

Sad huh..but its cool for the first time in a long time I'm not intrested in anyone and no one is interested in me:) Which is fine in some respects in others its shocking to the system. I have a hard time listening or trusting anyone who didn't like me when I was heavier. I was teh same person, I laughed the same, I cried the same I liked the same thing but because I had a weight issue all of a sudden I wasn't worthy anymore. That is why my weight loss is two-fold for me...one part of me is doing it for myself and another is doing it to prove a point. I haven't always been treated well by the people who claim to love, and I also have not always treated the people that I love well either. This is a new day of loving myself and returning to my pre-2006 days..if you want to come along with me on the journey then LET's GO!!! if not thank you kindly and step aside.

So let's do a bucket List for September-December

1) Lose the rest of the weight 20 pds by the beginning of November
2) Find a nice young chap to spend some time with
3) Finish all outstanding courses
4) Run 3miles without stopping
5) Find an alternate way of making money
6) Pay off all bills
7)Study 5 hours a day on the LSAT
8) Find new friends
9) Join a singing group/choir

wish me luck and I pray that you find peace in whatever you do or aspire to do

ahhh I didn't mention food at all (hahaha)

Today I had a GM with Spinach, Almond Butter, Almond Milk, one scoop of Slim Fast Chocolate Shake
7 bites of Pasta Salad
1 medium Coffee (2 sugars, 2-3 creams)
3/4 of a chocolate muffin
1 liter of water

Dinner better include...some meat, salad and hummus WOOT!

2009-09-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

yeah..so if Regions would hurry up and send me my NEW bank card..I could indulge myself myself and buy these ridiculously hot shoes!!! I am in love with them, my Mum has a pair (my Mum is crazy stylish more on her later) Anyways they are dirt cheap at $125 plus 30% off..come on REGIONS I need to rock these shoes before it gets too cold.

On the food front, I totally want these last 15 pounds off my body, so I may have to up the exercise, but this cold is whopping my tail all I want to do is gym work and no running..ahhh well. I just have to watch the carbs and be diligent:)
Happy Sunday!

Too much CHEWING

2009-09-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated...I got a cold and I was pretty much down for the rest of the week. I did eat pretty well when I had an appetite. I'm having a hard time waking up in the morning and find myself wanting to sleep till 10. Which leaves time for a workout and then it seems as if the day goes by so quickly. My relationship is totally on the fritz and I kind of don't care. I'm so over it. I have no energy and I will not waste another year loving someone who doesn't love me back. I was thinking about a particular guy last night and I hope he's not the love of my life. That would be very difficult to swallow. LOL..I mean we love hard but we also hate hard so we shall see.
For breakfast I had a Kashi Very Vanilla Oatmeal with some blueberries and Almond Buttah...it was good. I'm not sure how I feel about this Oatmeal too much chewing in my opinion. I also had some Arnold pre-sliced sandwhich breads..THERE IS A GOD!!! that bread is SO GOOD and for the price I can dig it. It was delish and I had it with some cucumbers, hummus, spinach and some roast chicken..divine.. I find I haven't been snacking late at night which is a blessing, cause that's how I put the weight on in the first place. I made a bet with my Mum, if I see her in November and I weight under 130 she will buy me a pair of Louboutins!! WOOT WOOT Opie is good for her word..if I lose that much weight I think my weight loss will be around 70 pounds..man alive. I WAS HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGE

I must say I'm quite pleased that I'm wearing a size 4 Club Monaco skirt, it has stretch but it's not tight or riding up. I really want to get back into my pre-weight college clothes so I gotta stay consistent..I won't be satisfied with a lazy 6..(shaking head) Anywho..I'm off to do some more work and I hope to watch a movie by myself if need be today..either Julie/Julia or The Time Traveller's Wife:)

HOLLA BACK!

Goodafternoon..sneeze, cough, choo

2009-08-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Yuck I feel gross today..not sure what the problem is but since I've come back to daVille I've been battling a nasty cough. I popped some vitamin C this morning and ate a big 'ole orange so hopefully that will give my body the vitamins that it needs. I woke up super late this morning because I was fussing with Mr.Old till 5am. Ohhhhh I was hot and upset and I really believe that talking to people late at night is a bad idea. So now I feel even feel worse:( I eventually got up and pulled on my running clothes and headed out. It was a bit too hot for me..so I snuck into the gym to pound it out on the treadmill. I did 60 minutes and ran for about 7 minutes every 15 minutes. My song of choice was "Wanna Be Starting Something" I can run the distance listening to that song..something about the horns, and hee-hee's make me smile and just get crazy. After 60 minutes I did 130 bicycle crunches and this Jillian Micheals move that only can be described as torture. I felt it good and I hope my core was engaged because my focus is getting my stomach as flat as possible.

I read some blogs and caught up on some emails and proceeded to lunch.
I had a w/w pita with pine roasted hummus, pico gallo, spinach and the last of my lemon pepper chicken. I also had some carrots and Stacy's Parmesan and Garlic Chips with some more hummus..it was GOOD. I think I might get these instead of Triscuits. I plan to drink a Green Monster for dinner or have a salad whateva floats my boat I guess...on to drink some water so I can knock this cold out the park:)
Toodles!!

The End

2009-08-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

of our relationship:) So I went to church with fuddie duddie and it was cold and stale as I expected it would be. He did not ask me about where I was eating lunch nor did he invite me over to share a meal with him. So I came home and made myself a pretty good lunch and surfed the nap and fell asleep a few times.
For lunch I had:

w/w pita stuffed with
spinach
pica gallo
mushroom griller
chicken
pine nut hummus

It rocked my socks..I also had a few more pieces of chicken and I nibbled on a some Triscuit Parm/Garlic crackers. I found myself snackish at around 5 so I cracked up a Clif Bar. I pretty much adore the peanut/chocolate chip flavor. Its heavenly and I finished most of it.
I plan to take a little walk to think and decompress then I will hang out for the rest of the night. Being single will take some getting used to but I believe that its best for me at this time. I don't miss him as much as I thought I would, but I do miss the company if that makes any sense.
I plan this week to really not speak to him unless I am asking for the car. There is no need for silly conversation...I made a decision and I need to stick to it. It will be tough seeing him day to day but I'm a grown up I can handle it:)

ohhhhh flames...for breakfast I had some Kashi Sunshine Power thingamagigey with blueberries and almond milk. I find myself falling into the old habit of eating at night. I need to curb that with water but sometimes I just want to munch:) any suggestions?

Saying NO to temptation

2009-08-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

No I'm not speaking about boys....but food temptations. I have portion control issues especially at night with my favorite snack foods. For example I love yogurt covered raisins. I will eat the whole bag though and I love these new Alexa Waffle Chip things..but with 8 being 140 I just can't seem to control myself. I guess I should just not buy them but that would be giving into my need to gobble everything up. I'm also horrible with eating at night that's something I have to control as well. Maybe give myself a sticker for everytime I make it through the night without a sticker. 7 stickers equal a treat on Monday. Maybe I'll try that:)

Anyways...for brekkie I had some Oatmeal from the Campus Market. This oatmeal will make you stomp in an elderly woman's face...its so freaking good..I should rename it "Crackmeal". I had some of that with blueberries, grape jelly and Peanut Butter..so tasty... I haven't finished it but I plan to reheat it in the morning if don't. I didn't work out this morning, I woke up with the worse sore throat and I actually coughed up phlegm and blood..very scary. I gargled with some hot water and salt and that seemed to do the trick.
I hope to do some Tae-Bo or Jilian this afternoon, after I hit up the bank and Island Jerk. Other than that it's a very peaceful day at the dorm and life is good. I miss my mum and home something serious and I really feel like going shopping today.
Alright HOLLA BACK for more food and jokes.
*side note* My Lululemon frigging MORTGAGE PANTS are so ripped up. I'm super pissed I'm not sure what happened to it. I'm going to try to sew them up but I think they may be ruined.
I'm also buying a revenge IPOD TOUCH:)

I'm BACK!

2009-08-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah I'm back in the states....at first I wasn't feeling it but I am now. I kind of left off with my NYC trip..so let me update you on what's going on.
It was wonderful, I had fun even though I didnt do anything. It was nice to see th elove of my life again and though we didnt discuss what the next step will be, we did dicuss that we would like to share our lives together at some point. I feel so much better and happier that we have met up and I really hope that we work stuff out.

Now that I am back in Huntsville, I hope that we can see each other again and I hope that we really find ways to make each other feel special. I might send him some cupcakes soon or maybe a card. Yeah yeah a card, I can send him a Thank You card:)
I have no choice but to keep my healthy lifestyle up while I am here.
So I'm running every day and doing a work out video at night. My rest day and fun eating day will be Saturday. I have to study and plan for next semester now. I am actually starving right to tell you the truth....I hope to run to Walmart sooner than later but it looks like I will have to wait until after this meeting which I hope won't be that long.
I really want to just sit down with some triscuits with hummus and go to freaking town..hahahaha.
My run was pretty good and I just came into some money so I plan to invest my own IPOD. I also want to get the Nike Fit so I can track how much I run and the distance/miles. I want fitness to be a part of my life, I also plan to check out some classes at the nearest gym to me so that I can take classes whenever I want. My hips, stomach and bum are still not what I would like them to me so I plan to keep working them off.

I'm also doing a HUGE walmart shop after this meeting, I need a lot of stuff house/fridge..then I plan to run up some hills or do some jillian whatever strikes my fancy first.

Alright for the day I have had..I really need to get some pictures up.
-Tomato & Basil Soup
-1 90 calorie Special K bar
-1 litre of water

I'm about to eat either some hummus and triscuits for dinner..or make a green leafy salad. I would go right to Jason's Deli and get a sandwhich but I would rather wait till Friday to splurge on some West Indian Food and my nails, which look like a dig graves for a living lol

Holla back!

New Yawk

2009-08-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm here we have not discussed the future of how we feel about each other. He did mention that I've been his wife since 2004, but he said that while licking my ear so I'm not sure if that really counts. I am very proud to say that I was a good Christian girl and I leave with no regrets. I do have some regrets that I haven't done any shopping whatsoever and that doesn't sit too well with this chica. My diet has been pretty OK, well let me take that back I haven't had any fruit or anything all week..that's not good.. He didn't buy any groceries and quite frankly I don't think he prepared for my arrival at all. I'm not more sure of how I feel about him, but I do know that we can be civil together and I'm very happy about that. Will I see him again??? I'm not sure but I know God has a plan for me so I'm not too worried about it,

Ahhhh why did I waste 3 years of my life wondering about this guy and how he felt...meh. Well I leave on Monday and I'm not bringing up relationships or feelings or anything for that matter. Hopefully we go to church tomorrow I really need some Jesus love right now the best boyfriend a girl can ever have. I haven't been out of the apt since I got here, well once and I'm really jonesing for some coffee and some mag reading and maybe a salad..ahhh how I miss my food. I have worked out everyday which was good and I don't feel any bigger though I am totally ramping up my workout when I get home I'm tired of all this stomach, ass and hips lol.

I did find out two things on this trip..

1) I love DOGS!!! Well I love this dog named Dexter who is the exes dog and he is so darling and now I want a dog of my own.

2) I found some Santa Clause Lingerie in one of my exes cupboards.....(hmmmm) should I be concerned..

well toodles...I'm totally NOT looking forward to going back to OU..I've had enough:(

ahhhh

2009-07-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with tummy cramps feeling pretty yucky and gross..I'm not sure what's going on but I literally ate everything in my house last night. It could be a case of nerves..or my cycle..I'm hoping its nerves:) So this is what I devoured between 12-5am

half a Fat burning protein bar
16 Quaker Oatmeal Squares with Almond Milk
Handful of Curry Chips

Writing that down that doesn't seem to bad...hmmm
For Dinner last night I had... a small portion of green beans, a serving of Sweet Potato Chunks, 2 California Rolls, 4 tiny piece of Oxtail, Some Veggie Meat it was tasty..but I had dinner at 11..maybe I should try eating before my nightly run so I'm not that hungry..:)

I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed not feeling skinny enough, or cute enough or whatever enough and I just want him to love me..I need to drink some tea and woo-saaaaaa

ahhh hard work pays off..

2009-07-28T15:28:00.001-07:00

So I fell asleep with the guy I currently love and I woke up literally dazed and confused. I wanted to lay down and just sleep but once I'm up this chickadee can't go back to bed. So...I went downstairs and washed some dishes and made myself a GREEN MONSTER...it was of course fricking delicious. My Green Monster contained..a handful of spinach, half a banana, some Slim Fast Vanilla Powder Shake stuff and two strawberries...oh yeah a stalk of celery. For some reason it took me forever to finish that shake. I believe its nerves..on Friday I go off to meet my ex who I havent seen in 3 years or so. I just feel fat and gross but I know that's not true and I just hope it goes more than well and we get married sometime during the week...hahaha..not really:)

At around 1:00 pm I gave Jillian a dirty look and got to it...dang that Jillian man she kicks my ass EVERY single workout. I mean I thought that I used to sweat with Billy but geeeez her workouts are pretty crazy!! I had sweat running down my face in my mouth (supergross) but hey I guess you can't lose weight without getting dirty. My wish would be to lose another 4 pounds before I go to NYC..not sure if that can happen but I'm going to work out like crazy and hope that i do some major damage in the stomach and butt area.

After my workout from hell, I finished the other half of my GREEN MONSTER and got dressed so that I could take in my dry cleaning. I did that and went to Shopper's (my obsession) and bought some more curry chips and a Coffee Crisp...don't ask me why I bought a chocolate bar I just needed something sweet...its the nerves I tell ya..
So I decided to make some Guac to go with my Curry Chips...I used a baby avocado, some yellow pepper and a tomato on its last leg with some sweet and spicy sauce from President's Choice...HOLY CRAP IT WAS GOOD..it was enough to keep me full..oh add in half a Coffee Crisp and another handful of chips. So yummy..

I'm just chilling right now, drinking water and listening to Maxwell..for dinner I'm planning on making sweet potato chips and eating the rest of my Mama's California Rolls..but before I eat I plan to go on a long run...and I'm so proud that I've been running it under 1 hour:)

That's it for now...
Current Obsessions: Lululemon and "Bad Habits" by Maxwell!!!
WHERE HAS LULULEMON BEEN ALL MY LIFE!!!!

hellllo

2009-07-24T05:23:00.000-07:00

Hello!

So my detox/diet hit a small sag yesterday. I went shopping with my favorite cousin, Simone and I bought some yogurt covered raisins:) BIG MISTAKE I almost ate the whole container and I was eating them all through the night..I may have to run to undo the MAJOR Drama..but I did pick up some Almond Breeze for the first time.....WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!!!! So good and tasty it's totally kicking Soy's ass right now. I had a small bowl with Oatmeal Quaker Squares SO TASTY.

Dinner:

Chicken w/sweet potato fries and avocado
medium portion of baby new potatoes

Breakfast: Green Monster w/cherries
3 cups of Green Tea
Lots o'water
HANDFULS of yogurt covered raisins

Now I feel a a bit bloated...I think I have to run and do some tae bo today to offset this splurge WAHHHH

Toodles!

Hello From Canada!

2009-07-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I love being home, I wish I could stay. Well my full time job is to workout as my loving mother reminds me everday, so far so good.
I totally have to ramp it up as I'm seeing my ex-boyfriend in less than two weeks. (Old Man out Young Man in) lol. So I'm doing a mini detox and I'll be writing down everything I've ate starting today.

Breakfast

Small bowl of Oatmeal Sqaures & 2% milk (ran out of soy)
handful of grapes

Pre-workout Snack

half a Jamaican Patty

I'm so tired I can't believe I kicked so many times snack (lol)

Green Monster which included:
2 stalks of celery
handful of spinach
Mango juice
half an apple
it tastes very intresting (huge smile)

and the rest of my Jamaican Patti

I really want some chicken for dinner tonight and I don't want to cook it..lets' see if I can convince my Mum to take me to Swiss Chalet:)

oh yes, I'm also working out 3 times a day.
Tae Bo at noon
Jillian at 6
Long-ass walk at 10

hmmm

2009-06-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

So my mother has a boyfriend..or male friend. I'm trying to be positive and like him but I don't. Or maybe I don't like who she becomes around him, very forgetful and dismissive. I am ready for him to take his exit. I could be "hating" because my relationship is slowly falling apart. This ex-boyfriend of mine is reminding me why he's my ex!! So annoying, planning a simple trip is more trouble than its worth and I just want to blow the whole thing up. I constantly call him, but he never calls me back..childish and immature I tell you.

The weight loss has been good so far, I've been working out and eating well and I have two events coming up this week so I'm hoping to lose 3-4 pounds this week. I think I can do it. I'm doing tae bo in the morning or mid afternoon and running at night. The running has really helped so has eating balanced meals and my stomach condition has stopped as well. Just checking in, not sure if anyone is reading this but its nice to vent on here:)

sad sad SAD

2009-06-11T18:05:00.001-07:00

i am wearing a size ten dress that I had to let out to the wedding..depression isnt the word..

I am fat with eye issues

2009-06-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

It seems like this blog is turning into a weight blog..not my initial plan but my weight is my major struggle. Sometimes I feel like I can put on ten pounds in a matter of hours. I often wonder if I have a thyroid problem and why its taking so long for the weight to come off. Today is not a good day but I will hold my head up and keep moving forward. I am drinking a slim fast shake for breakfast and I just had my 2ND cup of Green Acai tea. I'm at the place in my tea ministry LOL that I can drink it without any sugar or milk. WOOOO that's a biggie. I plan to work out today..to be honest I haven't worked out since Wednesday after the dress fiasco I've kind of lost interest in sweating..but I have kept to my diet. My eyes are killing me..I'm not sure if I've mentioned that I have Kerotacuonus..major eye disease..so double vision is a biggie in my world..since I've lost my right contact (to be honest I never wear them) my left eye has been tearing up and just aggravating me..ARRGGGHHH I'm not having a good week and I have a sneaking suspicion that my period is about to start. Oh well..if anyone has any tips for losing 20 pounds in week hit me up in the comments LOL...no seriously hit me up!!

Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me from having the body I want..I know that's crazy but sometimes I wonder:(
'

I decided NOT to work

2009-06-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

I know I am in need of money..but I'm also in need of peace. Which I think outweighs money any day. I have a lot of work to do, getting my classes in and packing and organzing so I don't have time to be strapped to the dorm. Quite frankly I don't want to work with these two ladies either. I don't hate them but I cannot allow my blood pressure to raise because of them. I am hoping that t he next week goes by quickly and that I'm in the safe and capable arms of my mother. I totally lied to her about the dress but I'm hoping on Saturday I can go and get it looked at. I have no transportation right now and begging people isn't my style. So that's what's up right now.
I also made this "interesting drink" for breakfast.

Ingredients

3 leaves Kale
2 strawberries
Soy Vanilla Milk
a shake of Slim Fast Chocolate powder
and water/ice cube
half a banana

At first without the banana it was gag worthy now its tasty. I'm almost done and i feel "clean". This road to health is going along swimmingly and I wish I had started sooner.
Well I'm going to patiently wait on my mama so she can give me her visa so I can order these classes..
I'll be back ( how Terminator of me) lol

not super fat fat just fat!

2009-06-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

So the dress does not fit...Lord have mercy..I'm planning to bring "the dress" to Modern Bride so hopefully they can pull some fabric out so I'm praying that goes well. I also have a work conference coming up so I'll be in Michigan for most of next week. I also have a lot of school work to catch up on..thinking about it makes me sweat. I'm still keeping a polite distance at work and just trying to get out of here the fastest I can. I think being away for a few months will really help and just give me some much needed time to relax.

My Boo is gone!!! He drove up to Chicago for his son's graduation. He did not ask me to come at all. I don't think I'm good enough for his family. I'm not shocked at all and mind you he took my car out there, but hey you do what you gotta do. I'm sure the relationship is ending soon so there is NO NEED to fret the small stuff. I was wondering..is anyone reading this...I don't see a section for comments so if someone is reading this..can you email me at blazin73@hotmail.com and let me know if you can comment. I would really appreciate it. Man I'm hoping I can lose another 6 pounds by this wedding..but I don't know. My eating has been pretty good..I'm slightly obsessed with Navy Beans and Spinach I've been eating that all day. I just had a sandwich actually.
That's all I got!
HOLLA!!!

You can keep your FRUIT!

2009-05-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

I think I can finally speak clearly and with some thought about my work drama.

I work in a place with a few hundred women. I am single and my achilles heel is always that I'm single meaning that i'm screwing everything in sight. Well I was accused of doing something less than Godly and my boss spoke to my boyfriend about it. Now on a normal day that's fine but I think her attitude and opinion on the whole situation is crazy. First of all students lie..a lot especially when the are reprimanded by an adult. Now I've been accused of having my boyfriend stay where I live. Now this student and I have not been seeing eye to for the last few days and that's fine because I do not count my students as friends..its actually quite dangerous to do that.

I do have a problem with the way my boss handled it. I think there are better ways at handling "he said she said situations".. First of all I have the right to meet and discuss the situation with my accuser. And I don't need her to defend me or plead my case, because I really believe that you have to stick up for yourself and make an example out of one person. I'm not sure how its even plausible to take a students side without seeing my side or asking me about it or better yet..doing what's biblically right and letting me speak to the person.

I just received an email from her asking to meet at ten. I'm sure that she wants to rehash the whole situation and a part of me wants to be upset and rant but another part of me believes that I have to be quiet and just be humble about the whole situation. I am not new to rumors and I think when you get in a huff you allow others to think that there might be truth to the rumor. As for my boyfriend I am not sure what do with him, because I think his loyalty is very conflicted (he told my boss about my birthday and about me going to my university appointment that went very well) I said to him, why would you do that..did I ask you to say something..his thought on it is that you used to be friends so what's the big deal. Well the big deal OLD ASS is that I don't want you to spread my business to every and anyone wether they were my friends or not.

So anyways I do know this..I love my job and I work very had at making good decisions everyday. I'm not perfect but I take my job seriously I want to continue working at my job but I want to be in a place where I am respected and that people believe the things that I say.

I'm not sure if I look that much in heat to make such a stupid decision like having my boyfriend stay over. Alas, it is very important that I keep my head up and do the very best and right things no matter how hurt I am or upset. I have stayed away from my job ( I don't work summers) and it feels good not to have that sort of responsibilty.

I know I did the wrong thing in terms of this..my boss gave me a fruit basket and I tossed it on the ground. I plan to throw it away..because really I don't want anything from her..don't respect me don't give me fruit. I know it might be childish but that's how I feel right now. I just think its a little to late and I also think that my relationship is not what it should or will ever be. I'm going to try and ignore my boyfriend for awhile, kind of do me. I'm tired of fighting this fight and plus I should be dating someone who has like goals and aims.

So that's what going on in my life..work is tense and so is my relationship..I do feel happy though because when God gives you trials you just have to do the best to plug on and trust that he is holding your hand.

See Ya
Yolande

&^(_@$&)(@_#($*_#

2009-05-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

I am having a horrible day at work..I know God has my hand..but boy oh boy today was rough. I cried 3 times, yelled and swore. I choose to be rational and polite and not act in a way people expect. If you pray..please pray that I do the right thing!

p.s I'm listening to Stevie Wonder "Do I Do" I feel a bit better and I watched the foolish movie "Dance Flick" it was hilarious..stupid funny. I needed that tonight:)

I love Anthro & Papasan Chairs!

2009-05-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

So I had a wonderful day.. I did some "light shopping" yeah right!! (ha) and I dropped some moola at Anthro..I wanted to pick some stuff up at Jcrew..but I really didn't see anything that said purchase me. There is a store at my local mall that has such cool stuff. I totally plan to start shopping there as soon as I lose a little more weight:)..So I bought two tops, a scarf, a funky headband and some lip gloss. Since I celebrate my birthday all week I plan to shop a lot more this week. I got a really cool gift for my bday. I GOT A PAPASAN CHAIR!!! My boyfriend is really good at buying me gifts that I talk about randomly. He has bought me things like clutches, CD player from Brookstone and now this..I am so grateful for him..he can me great when he wants to. He also took me to Phuket for dinner and I had the BBQ Thai Chicken...have mercy it was divine. We sat outside and chilled. Good times I say..We got back just in time for his game and now I'm just relaxing. I hope to do my nails tomorrow and just do some more shopping. I also have a business trip coming up and of course my 21 day detox with officially starts tomorrow..I know this is going to be tough..but again if anyone wants to join me..please let me know:)

I also have an appointment with the Chair of the History department at the local university where I live. Please pray that all goes well. I feel great this birthday. Last year I was pretty down and sad but now I feel like its time for a new beginning and I'm feeling quite blessed.
OF COURSE I have to end this with some drama... my ex just called me..I tried it back to no avail..I'm sure he's calling to say Happy Birthday and move to NYC and be my wife:)

Goodnight!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

2009-05-25T01:02:00.001-07:00

It's my BIRTHDAY today WOOT WOOT WOOT!!! In honor of this day let's gaze upon my personal icon..Mrs. Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis..ahh what a breath of fresh air and look at her teeny tiny waist..(pass the slimfast)

and...I kind of fit into my Club Monaco dress today..I am very happy..for the next 21 days..I am just eating fruit and vegetables..NO CARBS...NO MEAT...NO JUNK!!!...who wants to joing me???

plus i'll be working out for the next 21 days twice a day..My goal is to drop 10 pounds..WOOT!

I just added this picture because I love what she's wearing..and in some ways she has the "Jackie O vibe"..

Jillian Michaels

2009-05-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone..

Jillian Micheal's is literally kicking my ASS! My LORD that lady is tough. I'm totally enjoying her workout which promises to make you lose 5 pounds in one week. I'm not sure if that's true, but I am in pain and my core is killing me. The workouts are broken into 6 sessions and each session is challenging and difficult. Well let me take that back, they aren't difficult but if if you are look for a cute workout..please do not buy this DVD. One thing that she says many times during the video is "DO NOT PHONE IT IN"..whenever she says that I laugh, because many times we don't accomplish our goals because we simply "phone it in". It took me awhile to get to the point where I know that my body and mind realize that I cannot eat wings every night. I used to be quite vain about my body and for a long time I had one of the best bodies in my inner circle. I didn't eat junk and when I did, I had to my fill and moved on. The last few months I have become obsessed with food. I'll be eating breakfast and wondering what's for lunch lol.

Well, I'm doing much better..I do have moments where I want a huge burger but normally I can control my cravings and just eat something healthy. I do still have a problem with eating at night. For some reason around 3 am I get very hungry..I always say that I'm going to drink some water..but normally I reach for the nearest thing around me. I also believe that having one cheat day is very important. I normally use Saturday as that day, and since my boyfriend is vegetarian I normally eat much less meat than before.
This is becoming a diet blog..not sure if I like it..but ahhh well

2009-05-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my much older man friend to Macaroni Grill for dinner. I had the Chianti Steak and let me TELL YOU SOMETHING..it was great! It was nice to sit back and celebrate his birthday..he turned a WHOPPING 48 yesterday and my birthday is next week..I still have to get him something but I'm not sure what?????? But on to better things....what do I want for my birthday..

My treat to myself is..

La Mer face cream:

Why didn't I get MARRIED

2009-05-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

Wooooo this is doozy. I was on the phone with my mother a few hours a go talking about relationships and my lack of a stable one. I am dating someone but its anything but stable and I am completely aware of this. I decided to walk timidly down memory lane to "visit" some of the men that I've dated. Now I believe in putting God in the middle of your relationships... with many of them I didn't because I don't think a lot of them deserved to meet God...lol..funny yet very true. I do think I date the same sort of person...the guy who comes at you very fast but has no staying power. The guy who promises you loads of things but cannot follow through. As for me..I know I'm a difficult person to date. I can be very opinionated and strong-willed but I wonder if any of these guys had any real intentions towards me. This isn't a sad post about unrequited love..because I totally believe that "everything happens for a reason".....

I know one thing, that I do expect the best from whomever I date..and I will quickly cut the relationship off the person becomes selfish or mean. The relationship I'm now in is going nowhere fast but there is a "sweet relief" to that. I'm not one to make unrealistic goals..so I haven't stated what I want or need from this relationship.. I do feel myself being drawn to someone, I think I may have pushed them away. I pray that this is not the case, because he's one of those guys you could totally marry and be happy forever with. I went as far as to delete him off Facebook..WHY DID I DO THAT!! I can tell you why my friends..I was on my frigging period and literally a raging lunatic...anyways..Have any of you ever liked two people at the same time. Should I leave this guy alone and just focus on my relationship with my "boyfriend"..let me know....

Cheers!

2009-05-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

Here I am the desk typing away to myself (lol) but let the show go on...

Lots of things are happening right now and I'm preparing for some big changes over the next few months. I sometimes have issues with following through and this year I cannot afford it. I have a birthday coming up and I'm pretty OK with it. I know my gift to myself will be going to grad school and eventually becoming a fit and healthy girl. My weight loss week with my mother here was a hard week for me. I ate everything I had been craving for the last few months..but it was good now I'm over it and I'm eating healthy again. I bought a Jillian Michael's video and its literally kicking my tail..but its good to shake it up sometimes I still have a lot of butt, thighs and stomach to get rid of.

Nothing new on the relationship front..I'm still just doing what I normally do just floating around. School will begin to kick my tail very soon but its good to kind of have a distraction. Things at work are all right, I would love to make a change but right now my options are very limited and I know I just have to hang in there and do what has to be done.

I have a few trips coming up this summer so I'm looking forward to it and just having fun. My boo's bday is coming up in a few weeks...48 WOWZA who would have thought it:0...so I need to get him something for William Sonoma with the quickness...

I'll check in later back to watching BIGGEST LOSER, drinking water and plotting my escape to Walmart to pick up some chicken and veggies...

see ya

2009-05-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

Ok so life is good..except that I might be falling in love with someone who is NOT my boyfriend. Ahh the drama!!! This was totally unexpected but he gives me love cramps and I quite enjoy it. I'm not sure what do with this and since I am in a relationship its turns a simple situation quite complex. I know that cheating is totally out of the question, I still find myself wishing I could hold his hand.
On the weight loss front, things are going slowly but I am making food choices..I didn't work out on Wed or Thurs but I ate well so I'm hoping that everything will be OK. I have less than 6 weeks to do some major damage I'm hoping for 2-3 pds per week. I plan to eat very clean and healthy and drink tons of water. I'm still quite thick though...can a girl get at least a size 6. I'm tired of my chubby face.
I have no plans for this weekend except to work out and clean my apt. My mother is coming by to visit me on the 4th, so I'm totally excited and anxious at the same time. She drives me crazy in a very good way lol. Well I'm waiting for girl I'm paying fifty bucks to get her tail back to head and finish up. The dorm is almost empty and for that my friends I am TOTALLY excited!!! Ahhh my vacation is sooner than I thought and I can't wait to veg out and just do me. Anyways if you are reading this please leave me a comment let me know you exists..a girl could use some bloggie friends:)

g'day!

Yippeee

2009-04-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

I am doing much better... I'm trying the new Body by Glamour and incoporating much more salads into my diet. Also working out twice a day has turned from a chore to an evening pleasure. I wrote my goals down and I feel pumped up to knock out these last two months. I cannot wait for this semester to be over....I am impatient actually. I love an empty dorm and the summers to myself.
So let's hope these last two weeks go by very quickly and that my my bum gets super small...lol

2009-04-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

No seriously...what in the name of all that's GOOD AND HOLY...just had a convo with a friend who said I was rude at lunch. I am a bit taken aback..like where is this coming from. This is why I don't roll with homies and associates. Team Yolande likes to keep it real low with one on one conversat

2009-04-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have two months to get it together...I'm listening to the wind outside howling and I just want to crawl back into bed. I know that I have to do some major running to work on my butt, waist and hips...problem is I DEPLORE RUNNING. ahhh but it works. I did some self sabotage last night and helped myself to an oatmeal cream pie, peanut butter cookie and a pack of Jammers..all in less that 15 minutes. I sometimes wonder if I have a thyroid problem or just a huge love of sweets. I think if I don't see it, I'm in a much better place. So right now no snacks or junk in my room at all.

Size 8

2009-04-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

I tried on a dress today size 8 and it did not FIT.
I'm done

Cranky

2009-03-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am SOOO cranky today, I went to the gym and just walked out. Too much people and way too much noise. The weight is taking too long to come off and though I have lost almost 20 pounds I am concerned about the next 20 that must come off before this freaking wedding. So I plan to really stick to shakes and salads for the rest of this month and April. My thighs literally have an area code and I wonder how did I allow it to get this bad.

I think today will be a Billy Blanks day!! I haven't spent anytime with my spandex wonder and I believe the body has to shake it up every now and then. I have an event tonight which I'm not looking forward too, but alas I'm cranky and I probably need some endorphins and maybe cleaning my apt will help.
Yes, I think some West Side story and banana-strawberry shake and cleaning will help me out of my funk.
Ta-ta
Question....does anyone know anyone in the Huntsville Junior League...I would really like to join..

I'm BACK!!

2009-03-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

Jamaica was WONDERFUL...the sun, the food and good company was just what this girl needed. I am excited to be back at work and just enjoying the last few weeks of school. I feel rejuvenated and I'm actually taking this week to fast and pray. One meal hopefully a day and just silent reflection on God's goodness and his will for my life.

School this semester is a goal I'm working towards and I feel like I'm very close to making Graduate School a reality for me. I need to just focus and take it day by day and give myself some mini goals. I will put some pics up later all of which show my chubby face, but ahhh I have no one to blame for that but myself. I also plan to really step away from meat for a while. It's not healthy and if I plan to lose some weight and keep it off it might just help. Other than that..I plan to do some jogging tonight and relax hopefully with someone I care for;)

Pics soon to come...

p.s I believe that Jackie would go and get herself an manicure so I'm off to do that hopefully tonight...ta ta

2009-03-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Obligatory

Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onassis

Picture

look at that waist..the bow and pearls..sigh:)

J.CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Man oh man, I love J. Crew..I could end my post right there. I actually bought some stuff yesterday. I plunked that green money down so fast for two reasons. One because I wanted what I was about to purchase and two) because I wanted to show the person I was with a point. I'm so upset and frustrated (editor's note) I started this post last night and I'm starting it again at 5:11. Long story short I am MISERABLE in this relationship that I am in. He basically summed up our relationship with the words I was going to give you 2 hours. What... Long story short I am leaving to Jamaica in 2 days. I need to purchase some things for my trip. I need to go to the mall, Walmart etc. He has this habit of waiting till the last minute before sunset to clean his house and so on....I cannot shop, buy or anything after sunset on Friday which is another story :)
So....I wait and wait and WAIT and now he comes strolling in at 4pm saying oh we can go now..are you serious????!!!! I'm more upset at myself because I have let him get away with this sort of foolishness for too long.

Ahhh I'm sitting her in my office...just relaxing and enjoying my Friday evening. I'm also drinking my weight in water as I am trying to lose some weight before Monday. My butt literally has a life of its own, but I'm confident that by June I will be perfect. Remind me to stay away from sweets. Also eating late at night. I think I might be spending my weekend alone so I plan to make some really healthy choices. Someone told me in order to lose weight I should forgo meat...argghhh I LOVE MEAT!!(ewww that sounds a tad bit gross..lol)

Maybe I can let it go for two months and I will see what happens. I wish I was the sort of girl who could really stay away from chicken and such. As I am going to the beautiful island of Jamaica on Monday I hope that I will be able to turn my head away from goat, chicken, beef and all other sorts of meat they have in Jamaica.

I will try I love feeling healthier and though I am at the half way point I still feel good that I have been so consistent....I plan to really up my workout after this trip. I am staying at a hotel with a 24 hour gym,..so I will have no excuse to not run and do some weights.

Alright so the two things I leave you with are: My relationship is hanging on a thread and I plan to drink several litres of water and green tea today! Yipeeee;)

Ahhhh..hello there

2009-03-03T21:18:00.001-08:00

What a horrible blogger I am...I just got everything back to speed...so hopefully you will hear from me more often. Now what has changed since the last time I checked in. Well my bottom is much smaller thanks to grueling exercise and denial of sweets and treats. I have not cracked open my LSAT book in almost 2 months, geez louise I need to get back into the swing of things. My cousin is getting married in June, so I'm happily sweating and squatting for her upcoming nuptials...and work is going well. I still wish I was living in either NYC or California but I believe God has something brewing for me.

On the "fun-front" I am getting ready to go to Jamaica in less than 5 days. I do have some flight anxiety but I hope to remedy with some Tylenol PM..hahaha little druggie I am. Either than that I plan to bless the local JCrew with my presence and spend some money that I don't have. I need some cardies and some pants/shorts/skirts. I am not a summer person, so I hope to find some bright colours. How could I forget, I received a huge package from my Mummy..15 dresses, scarves and all manner of things. I hope she sends me some flat shoes for my trip I'm not quite a sandal girl...so nice trusty flats for me.

Now comes the solemn part of this post...

I, McKenzie plan to POST at least three times a day. I have no real excuse since I am an Internet junkie..I guess my procrastination issues get the best of me..I will try harder I promise.

I will now leave you with some CUPCAKE LOVE...I really need to get serious about this little side gig. I made some S'MORE Cupcakes...they turned out really well.

Hahhhaaa the cupcakes are all over this post...

And So it Is................... (theme from CLOSER)

2008-11-15T19:23:00.001-08:00

Before there was Jack there was a man by the name of "blank blank"....though sweet Jackie had to let him GO! That's what I did on Friday and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it. I've been pretty down for the last couple of months. Something has been feeling off..I couldn't describe it but I knew that I wasn't happy any more. I feel like my youth was literally ripped from underneath me and caught myself wearing flats and eating chicken wings...undiva like behavior. I know that this separation will hurt... I've been used to the rides and money here and there..but its not worth my happiness. I literally can't recognize myself. I was looking at my calves this morning and I just feel swollen. I've never felt like this before nor have I every let myself go this point. Everything is out of whack and I'm finally reached my limit. Studying and Working Out is all I can do at this point to feel like Yolande again. I have some big engagements coming up so I must look and feel my best. Jackie politely gave the ring back and she and her ex-fiancee ended up being great friends. I'm not sure if this will happen in my situation but I have to at least be willing to follow through and let go.
I just miss my sassy self....the only way for to find her is to cut the fat and find her. I can't do that and be unhappy and I'm the sort that finds solace in food. My relationship is literally draining of me of life source. I believe he knows that...though he may not want to admit it. I know he's not happy either..and as much as I love him, I love me more.

I'm going raw this coming Monday..just trying to get healthy..this will be difficult and hard for me since I lack no self control but I'm hoping through prayer and meditation I will be able to get over this weight issue. Ok no processed food, no wings, no sweets....no CRAP I deserve better...

See ya
Y

2008-11-10T15:46:00.000-08:00

I think I have decided that doing things my way DOES NOT WORK

So let's take me out of it and now that we have a BLACK PRESIDENT (woot woot)

there are some things that I have to start and finish.

1) Work Out

2) Eat Green literally

3) Study 5 hours a day on my LSAT

4) Finish outstanding classes

5) Complete my screenplay

6) Start writing more in general

I am not sure why I continue to be my worst enemy...is it low self esteem, is it that I just don't care? Who knows...it just has to stop. My job doesn't define and since I'm not even being paid. I'm not killing myself for it any longer. My relationship is literally on its last leg and my old relationship has gone nowhere and that's probably because I'm holding on to the relationship that I'm in that's going NOWHERE. His daughter will be here very soon...so I think that will be out.

I know in my heart that I cannot handle raising a child. I still have issues with children and I don't want to set myself up for something that I know I cannot deal with. Its rough, but I'm sure that I will be able to convey it in a much more succinct way to my dear old friend. I believe that his influence on me, is not a positive and I'm not sure why I feel so much older around him. That could be the weight issue which is literally killing ME!

I bought some vegetables and I'm really trying to watch what I eat. Clearly workout is not enough. My legs were killing me while I jogged today and that's just an indication that I haven't done any REAL exercise in a long time. I hate the way I look, but I'm not willing to say OKKKKKKKKKKKK working out and eating wings do not mesh.

So Goal for Week 1: Eat more veggies and fruits/NO CARBS....if I get through this I will treat myself later

love always

ps. I love that picture up above...its just Black Love to me...makes me kind of want to fall in love. GO OBAMA!

When is Enough...Enough

2008-11-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

Have I hit my breaking point...this fat FAT FAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT

Sisterhood

2008-10-14T18:29:00.001-07:00

I made a mistake and joined a group of girls, expecting change and sisterhood. Instead I got headache and regrets. I'm not at a place in my life where I do not have time for foolishness and rumours. Now these rumors are actually untrue. Nonetheless it's still painful and just plain rude. I'm not sure if its an issue with the person I date or just mean girls...but I'm so over it. I hate that I have to walk on eggshells around people. I actually refuse to do so, I'm much better at being a lone...at least away from caustic women. I've never gotten along with women and maybe its because I'm not the one or I'm not into secrets....I just plain don't care enough to make long lasting bonds. Whatever it is. I want nothing to do with that kind of sisterhood.

I have really nothing for anyone to be jealous of....yet. I'm going to law school and I'm about to drop this weight like a bad habit. So anyone who is upset or jealous better watch out. I used to be a little harsh, kind of rough around the edges...impatient and just plain get out of my face....I'm now on a different track but I still can pop off when and if I choose. Its cool though I cannot wait till Alumni or Graduation its about to be on...I'm already planning my attack!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't planning on working out tonight, but now I'm going. I need to feel the sweat running down my back. I need to feel the loss of breathe. I need to regain my Halle Berry SDA swagger and go hard and never mind. Oh its on and POPPPPING

Let's TALK!!!!!

2008-09-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Soooo, what's happening. I started my point system and I feel so much more optimistic about things! I think I can beat this 35 pounds into oblivion. I've been keeping up with my diet and not eating crap at night. Now I'm eating fruit at 2 in the morning. Yeah....I know I should be eating NADA but old habits die hard. Speaking of old habits, my ex is still popping up and still trying to work something out. Maybe I'm just not believing the hype, but I'm keeping my eye out on him. I know that I love him, I just wonder if that's enough. Oh well...I just got to keep my mind of the prize and finish what work I have in front of me. Losing this weight is a number one priority. I plan to go back to running in the morning and tae bo at night again. The appetite is just the first hurdle that I have to get through. I wonder how my trip with go to you know where. Will it be awkward...will we fall magically back in love. Will we argue about the past. Will I go home with a ring? Who knows, but one thing I'm sure of, the trip will change my life in one way or the other.

I know we both made some serious mistakes, but we are older now. Hopefully we have our shit together and we can just move on, love and do what couples do. Ahhhh, my Spanish love...who would have thought it!

I need a HUG Jesus!

2008-09-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

I know I know I am horrible. I need to commit myself to writing here at least once or twice a week. Life is good, though I still a slacker I still feel that I am moving towards a better "place" I really want to know why I am so full of hot air. I mean I can spew some crap sometimes, just I will, I will, I will and I don't do anything. I really want to stop this destructive behavior. I really need God's help and his hand to guide me into this transition. I am too old, for this foolishness! I am disappointed in myself, I know I should be farther along then I am. I have to look myself in the mirror and tackle some of my biggest demons. Weight and Education. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this huge, its utterly disgusting. I am actually concerned:( I keep saying I will do something, but I don't.

There are two things that I am praying for guidance with:
My weight I would like to lose 15 pounds by mid October
My Education I would like to finish more than halfway of my courses.
So I write this open letter to God asking for his help. SINCERELY!
I am tired of not feeling pretty and not feeling smart enough. Ok enough babbling. The first thing on the agenda is drinking more water. So lets see what happens when one stops eating junk and drinks more water:)

I will check in later PEACE

The NeW NeW

2008-09-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooo I got a call from my ex and to put a long story short...He still LOVES me:) Now what do I do with this information. Now I am dating someone, and its going well with him. This blast from the past is really shaking me to the core. I totally have feelings for this guy, and I also feel that we have a deep history that makes being together envitable. This guy that I'm dating is very nice and being with him has made me happy for the last year.

2008-08-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, but I am back!

My soon to be ex just left the building and for some reason I don't care about him or what he is doing or ANYTHING right now. I'm one of those kindof people who cannot do two things at once. My major concern right is now my weight. I'm back to working out everyday and I'm hoping to see overall improvments quickly. I never want to be this big again, I feel very uncomfortable:(

I've been speaking to an old friend of mine and loving him is probably a wise decision for me. I mean we have a lot of history and being with him is safer then NOT being with him. So I have that to figure out and quite frankly my brain is leaning towards "Girl get back with that man". I'm very complicated when it comes on to dating, I enjoy spending time with boyfriends and all that jazz....but I guess I don't really make solid connecations. I'm just about enjoying the moment. Most men I know don't want to enjoy the moment they want love and ch

Gladiator Sandals

2008-07-23T05:47:00.001-07:00

Let me be honest by first saying that I hate my feet. I probably hate yours as well, because all feet disgust me. Especially Men feet, I will cancel a date if I see flip flops anywhere in my near vicinity.. I could careless how nice you are. Gladiator Sandals are an issue for me, the parade around as faux boots that give your toes AC. I just cannot deal with them. Every time I go to the mall or nearest shopping center and see them I cringe. I just don't believe they make sense, and very rarely do they look good on people. I hate all shoe wear that is high to the knew but open to the toes. You might say, yeah Y, what about the "low ones" and I still say BOO! They make your feet look so flat, if you have slender feet they look skeletal and if you have chubby feet they looked like Vienna Sausages...I just can't deal with the. Now I must admit, I've seen look cute with skinny jeans and an airy " My rent has been paid" expensive blouse...but yeah most people can't rock that style. Case in point Jennifer Hudson and this walking nightmare, eek makes me want to jog, eat cucumbers and burn those shoes off while the wearer is STILL wearing them.

Dramatic yes, serious YES!

Before we all run to Baker's to pay 29.99 for these doozies, let's just have "real talk" with our feet. Ask you feet and yourself, is this what I really want to say. Is this the image I want to portray. Not every trend is for you and this trend ended with the Romans, so please think twice for purchasing.

What kind of shoe do you rock on a daily basis? Heels, flats, sneakers etc...

Fatty McFAT

2008-07-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm on a workout get my body fit plan....and I'm tired and not seeing results as fast as I would like. I put on a lot of weight, more than I realized. This is the heaviest I've ever been, especially around the butt and hip area and stomach for that matter. So it back to water, I work out once a day and trying to stay away form sweets and cars. These last two days, I've eaten some junk and today I have to get back on it. I plan to do some TaeBo this morning, then off to Wally World I got to buy some fruits and things I can eat. I find that when I don't have healthy snacks I eat what's available plus if I don't eat breakfast I lose complete control.

Can I be honest, my looks are important to me and I hate looking at beautiful clothes I have that I CANNOT wear. Most of my clothes are size 4 I'm currently a 8. You do see the dilemma My hips and stomach have never been an issue, but a lot of fat has accumulated there, so working out is imperative for me. I have my beautiful cousins wedding in July 2009, I plan to visit my home looking out of control HOT. Let's view a checklist of things that must happen to achieve this.

1. I have to work out everyday

2. I have to drink no less than 2 gallons of water a day

3. I have to eat fruit and vegetable every day.

4. I have to stop snacking, (chips, cookies, sweets have to be handled with care)

5. I have to stop driving as much and walk

6. I have to get more rest

7. I have to try on a dress every week to view my progess

8. Most important I have to go to CHURCH!

So my plan is by December to be a strong 6. From there I will transition to a 4 by May then tone up for July. Its so important that I lose this weight, I just don't feel sexy. The guy that I'm constantly complaining about is a complete sabotage...so I have to really watch my food choices around him. SideNote: I've chose Sunday to be my cheat day. I enjoy wings on Sundays with a can of pop, its my thing don't judge me.

Some of the fast food restaurant places I like to go that serve something healthy are (gasp, gasp lol)

Wendy's for their CHILI

Taco Bell for their Spicy Chicken Burrito

ChicFil-A for their side salad with chicken bites

Really its just better to stick to fruit, chicken, salads, water and vegetables:(:)

that's it if you have any inspirational words or diet tips PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT

The Fog, Hammer and Chomping

2008-07-17T00:11:00.001-07:00

I am so frustrated! I had that long talk with you know who and it did not go well. Basically I told him in my own legalistic way, that dating exclusively was a total waste of time. My parents and their sheer hate of the fact that I am dating someone old enough to be my father is a point of contention with me. Today he brought up some insane foolishness, like "am I enough" and my favorite "do you like someone else". I lied to him and told him "No". Well the truth be told, I am interested in this young chap I met a month or so ago. He pops into my thoughts at least twice a day, and I find myself wishing he was the last voice I hear before I go to bed.

I'm not sure if this is a phase and I have prayed about. I do know that I can't date him, if I'm with someone else. I wonder sometimes if the "The Hammer" (we shall call him this, henceforth") is really worth it. My next post I will fill you on in the details and stats. I totally dig him and we get a long, but sometimes I wonder if I'm selling myself short. I'm a complex person and for the first time ever, marriage is something I want to pursue. I'm not sure if I want to pursue with someone that old. I do know its quite possible that I will be a caregiver and I'm not sure if I want to waste my golden years doing that. Another thing that makes me weary is he jealousy/possessive crap. Now this must be a generational thing but...every male I speak to he tries to regulate my interaction. I have a good friend we went to college together and he said that if he visits we can't go to the movies. I was like "SAY WHAT"!!! He said it's inappropriate for us to that, that sort of activity is reserved for couples. In my head I whispered not where I come from...lol.

So I have a lot to ponder, so if you have any good break-up suggestions or maybe thoughts on dating May-December please let me know. I feel like I'm walking through a fog. I know I don't want to end all communication with him, but he doesn't believe in dating casually. I mean what's wrong with dating casually????

Ok on to something else. My diet and workout plan, has been going swimmingly. I work out everyday for at least 50 minutes. I did Tae-bo on Monday and I resumed my love/hate relationship with Billy Blanks. WHAT A SADIST!!!... I feel motivated and I'm already picturing myself in my size 4 dresses. I'm tired of being fat and lazy it's time to get sleek and lean. The eating part for me is still a challenge, but I'm forcing myself to eat as many servings of fruits and veggies as possible. My water intake has been good, I'm always pushing myself to drink one more gallon. I'm ready to bring 2003 back, when I was my slimmest. My hips and thighs are taking over my life. I have so much beautiful clothes that I cannot wear because my lips won't start chomping. I am regaining my life, and every good week I have I reward myself with a treat. This past Friday It was cosmetics from Anthropologie. This weekend, I may try to finally watch Sex and the City...I really want to see it on the big screen ( I know I'm super late)

Ok, it's 2;30 here I'm off to bed...peace:)

What Would Jackie Do

2008-07-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

oh dear that is way to close to WHAT WOULD JESUS DO..... this to Jackie Says....

Now for those of you who don't know this... I am a big Jackie Kennedy Stan! I love her and her effortless chic and style. I'm currently reading American Queen her autobiography and so far it is very good. I enjoy her little nuances, how she blocked out negativity, married well and always looked perfect in the media. I like to think that I am a Jacqueline in training and I hope to embody some of the high standards she stood for.

So I will be featuring a new post at least once a week called.... Jackie says....

Now lets start with BEAUTY first..

would Jackie spend $250 on a bottle of La Mer.... you bet you bottom dollar she would. She would much prefer that her beau of the moment pick it up for her. You see men need to realize if you are spending time with me, you may need to assist in up keeping me. I have finally convince my mother-dear that I NEED a bottle of this wonder working cream. Genetics and water can do so much, and when you have a product on the market that scientist and celebrities rave over...you MUST jump on the bandwagon.

I promise you..you will see results. My mom has been using it for a few months and her face looks incredible.

#2 Would Jackie Diet....

Ummm yeah...she would. Now she would diet discreetly ladies, please do not bring you 2 gallon jugs of the Lemonade diet to work...we don't need to see all that. Fat is not cute, especially when you're trying to wriggle yourself into couture. I am actually on a diet, I have some weight to shed and I have clearly lost my natural mind, because I have abandoned my size 4 skirts. I plan to work out 1 hour a day and drink lots of water and eat 80% good and have my 20% cheat days. I'm also trying to get as much fruits and veggies into my system as possible. This unsightly weight gain is a Jackie NO NO! The only way to lose weight in my opinion is to attack it with a vengeance and keep attacking it till your body surrenders to you will.

That's it for now, if you have any beauty and diet tricks please feel free to share.

kisses

So, its Monday how are YOU doing

2008-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, so allow me to get you up to speed...

I spent 10 glorious days in California and it was JUST what I needed. Though I was there for work, it was relaxing and just what I needed to get rejuvenated. One thing that did happen, I turned into a shopaholic again, which was nice. Since coming home, I have dealt with some relationship issues, mostly me not sure if I want to stay in it.:(...I also got my new contacts and they are sooo much better. Though seeing is daunting, every pore and mark is magnified right now. I also added that special someone to my Facebook friends list and I'm really hoping something happens. I can't seem to shake this feeling that we are destined to be together. Corny yes, but hopefully true.

I also came to my breaking point weight wise this past Saturday. My goodness I have gotten FAT and for the first time it was disturbing. So I'm starting a 21 day fruit and veggie program and I'm hoping that I will stick to the plan. I also plan to workout twice a day for the 21 days to rev my metabolism. My goal weight is 127 so I have about 20 pounds to lose.

Whenever I get in relationships, I balloon...its a total lack of self control and I hate that about myself. I have also decided to finish another degree and my plan is to attend law school next fall. I have some classes that I need to complete...so I'm about to get into worker bee mode. This blog is supposed to be somewhere I come to vent and try to figure stuff out. So if you have suggestions please let me know.

Life is good, and though this birthday brought an uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty. I do know that I'm ready for a serious relationship with someone who is ambitious and driven. I also am ready to discuss marriage which has been a major NO NO in times past. So yeah I'm in a good place, just trying to get my head around some things.

ohhhh yes I bought a Jackie Kennedy book at Barnes and Nobles last night, America's Queen...it's quite good so far.

2008-07-03T09:09:00.001-07:00

how do i say this polietly....

i want out and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish this.

2008-06-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hey Y'all and when I say Y'all I mean ALL SEVEN (lol)

I am in sunny California on a workshop and I am having a blast. I totally want to move to California! I feel at peace and rested here. Sooo...that's why I haven't been posting:) Updates on my return

Cheers and Lipgloss

Relationships suck!

2008-06-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

I think that I am either having a break-down or break through...because I'm feeling like I'm hitting the point of a revelation. 6 months ago I knew exactly what I wanted, who I wanted, what I wanted to be and where I was going.....now not so much. I am not where I want to be physically, emotionally or spiritually. Too fat, too removed, too neutral I guess. I had a long conversation about relationship with the person I am supposed to be in a relationship with and I came to the conclusion, that I don't even think that I want to ever be in a relationship where it is expected of me to be committed. What happened to being casual and why do we always have to talk about the end result, marriage. Blah...i have never been that girl and I'm just not into that kind of relationship. I'm sure there are reasons why, I know I'm selfish and I like things my way. Or maybe its because I haven't met anyone who has made me want to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I havent been in love, that could be it.... I'm pretty satisfied with what I've been...though I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what that is. I just feel like I want to be free. I

'm not bitter or upset I just need some independence in my love life. I don't want to feel like I have to report to anyone, that's why the single life is so appealing to me. I'm not sure what to do with my relationship....should I leave or should I go? Should I attempt to work it out or can I be lazy and just let it string along. Can we still meet and have fun without commitment... I can bypass the kissing and hand holding because that doesn't even happen that much. Can I try and just date openly..

Oh not to flip the script...but I had a super weird dream last night...was it because I had Cheetos late at night? I had a dream I was in love with someone who cannot be mine. I mean I've known this person for a while and I've never been attracted but.... I have no idea why he was up in all over my dream, it was so weird. I hope that dream does not repeat itself tonight...

I'm feeling like staying in my room and not talking to anyone, but I cannot do that today, or period because the boss and students are watching and that is so wrong............. I will take a personal "staycation" in my head.

Commitment...hmmpf

2008-06-07T10:45:00.001-07:00

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love.

If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very interesting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always Blessings

Commitment...hmmpf

2008-06-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love. If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very intresting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always,Blessings

I Choose MYSELF

2008-06-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

I was speaking to my mother about relationships and women wanting children. I expressed to hear that I did not hear my biological clock ticking and was not waking up from dreams about a big white wedding. She was silent and said " That's why the Lord hasn't provided anyone for you.." WHAT IN THE.... sometimes I totally feel that no matter how successful I become or degrees I achieve, my main aim in life is drop babies for some man. Now don't get me wrong, I totally believe that love and children are a wonderful thing. Its just that women become so brutal when they hear that a fellow woman is not interested.

I'm not silly enough to say I will never want a child. There are moments, though short in length where I do feel to hold a baby, maybe even coo to a baby. Its just that the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a child makes me wheez. Get up, feed, burp repeat 3 times just is not the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead. I'm even more ambivalent when it comes on to relationships. Yes I love men and I believe that when the opposite sex is joined, sparks fly and its a beautiful thing. I just don't think that marriage and relationships is all that I as a woman is worth. Relationships can be time con summing and sometimes allows the person who is pursuing or being persued to loose focus on what it is that THEY WANT and the completely conform into something that the person that they want to buy matching candlesticks with.
I live in a society where its not uncommon for young people to be married before 23 and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder, "is this it" At 23 you want to be glued to someone for the rest of your life when you've only live a quarter of it. I've asked young ladies have they been to Europe or Asia?, Have the jumped out of plane or maybe written a screenplay. when was the last time they stayed up all night with the girls and a bottle of cheap wine? Yes, maybe they have but if they haven't they are missing out on experiences that are so important to women.

I think that before we start buying bridal magazines and start pressing our noses against the windows of BABYGAP, maybe we should pause and ask "Is this who I want to be. Am I ready to abandon a life un-lived for a certain kind of servitude? Can I handle not being able to run off when the time catches my fancy and will I not regret this 5 years down the line.

Its shocking, but I am in a happy place. I like someone and he likes me and that's as far as we are right now and its fine. I'm not saying its fine in a passive aggressive way either:) I choose to believe that I can experience love in all sorts of way and the ONLY way is not necessarily from a man. I choose to love myself and I know that I still worth something if my eggs dry up and I can no longer conceive. I think that's the part that scares me, not that one day I won't be able to, but that I don't have a life to fall back on. Even if society tilts its head and scratches its head at me....I think I will continue on this quest and choose

AHHHHHHHHHH

2008-06-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation last night about friendships and enemies. At one time in my life I had a list of people who I considered to be enemies for various reasons. As of lately, I find I no longer have the energy or care about enemies. I mean the reality is, people for whatever reasons do not get a long. No need to write an dissertation on it, these things just happen so umm can we move on. I don't believe after the age of 22 is it cute or even mature do stomp around like a pony, screwing your face and cutting your eyes at people. It just looks so silly and its a BIG waste of time. You cannot dislike someone who doesn't care about you. I know that sounds rough, but most of the time, people who you don't like don't care about you or your feelings. So being upset is wasted energy.
I've had my fair share of people who feel that "dissing" me will cause a reaction, but rest assured if the knew me they would know that is the WORSE way to get my attention. I completely shut down around people who are not in my inner circle. If you don't like me keep it moving, just don't step to me in falsehood of friendship and we will be straight. I also believe that it is important that one looks at the reasons they don't like someone. Disliking someone because of an outfit, perception, tall tale, boyfriend etc.... are not reasons to dislike someone. I've heard countless times, I just didn't like you.... with no point of reference. I believe that's a spiritual issue, disliking someone is so anti-christian and its also damaging to the soul.
I find with women, that disliking one another is almost expected at times. In my profession, I hear girls give vague reasons why the dislike a certain female. They say she's bossy, full of her self, self-absorbed, prissy..most of the times I laugh because the girls they dislike are exact reflections of themselves. I also notice that people with low self esteem find it easy to dislike people and normally this is a cry for help or acceptance. Let's start a movement, one where females embrace one another and lift each other up. No need for hating and snide remarks, sisters have to stick together. If you see a female who needs encouragement or just a compliment, be a sister a make the first move. We owe to ourselves to take care of each other and in the climate that we live in today bonding is necessary to our survival.
So stop mean mugging, lighten up and stop falling for the stereotypes that the media have concocted for you. Get along at work at play and self-actualize when in battle with a member of your same sex. Be honest and forthcoming and stop being a carrier of news, esspecially false news. Don't be the first to discuss a female maybe (gasp) pray for them. I know its difficult because some females are truly wretches but its satisfying when you don't give into the temptation to slap a chick when she becomes brand new with you.

I know this girl who claims to hate me, but in fact I think she adores me. She discusses me whenever she can always has an opinion and says things to people that I associate with so I will hear it back. I mean why so much energy one someone you hate. She is obsessed and the truth of the matter is I haven't said 10 words in English to her since 2001. She's NOT my type of person and I choose to remove myself whenever she is around, because she's toxic.
Instead of disliking her, I feel sorry for her....because its sad when at this age you have to resort to playground tactics to cause a reaction from someone who clearly cares nothing about you. I wish she would just say, hey...i really like you and I want to be friends because she acts like a schoolyard crush that has gone wrong. Get over yourself my dear, I will never like you if you continue to treat me the way I do and most importantly you will not bully me into liking you. Concentrate on the people who love you and not so much on the person who has no opinion one way or the other....
So yeah, I'm making it my duty to uplift a woman today...wanna join me:)

2008-06-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

I cry so easily, which is not a bad thing but its not a great thing. I used to be the type of chick that was attitude, no one could get close...basically an impostor. I refused to having meaningful connections because in my opinion it meant that I would have to open up. I wasn't into sharing my story or being vulnerable so it was impossible to have any real kind of relationship with me.
Well thankfully I've matured, and I'm much more open to feelings and I can actually relate to other people because sharing isn't gut wrenching anymore. Sometimes I cry when I think of the past and of lately I've been crying about the future. Whether its making my mum proud at a graduation or clinching that job that I want...I get emotional because for the first time I want the things and plan to achieve the "things" that I want.
I do still believe in privacy but at the expense of shutting off a conversation or becoming vague to someone. I have no real hangups about spilling my guts, admitting I'm anxious or just having down moments where my inner voice doubts itself. Words of others, mean nothing to me and if anything the more discouragement I get the more excited I am about facing my goals.

So basically I'm putting it out there...I am open. Eek I can't believe I said that! I am open to love and hate and to not always being in your favor and to stumbling along life's pathways. I don't have most of the answers but I have some and I can identify what it is that I need to be happy. Now I know that my happiness is not always popular with some, but trust....the happiness I feel cannot be crumbled or swayed by personal opinion or by floundering fallacies.

So yeah here I am raw and naked and OK with that...you shall see every lump, stretch mark mole and you like it because I love it

Fat and Stupid Ass Relationships

2008-06-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

So yeah,
long story short I'm dating a guy who is sort of beneath me.. I know that sounds radical its just that where I am today as in this minute HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME. He has more luggage than Naomi Campbell at Heath row, children, grandchildren...plus someone I totally respect says that because of the age difference, he will begin to age me. You have no idea how close i was to spitting out my morning coffee. After years of slacking off, I am in a good place. I have a good job, that doesn't pay which is another post. School is looking good and though I face normal challenges I can say I much rather where I am today, than where I was 2 years ago. This relationship kind of happened and though there are many good moments. Some of the not so good ones have been weighing me down.

1) He is financially unstable, which if you know me is a problem because I am deathly afraid of poverty.

2) He has children and grandchildren and an ex-wife. None of these people directly affect me, but I'm a selfish chick so one day they will

3) Though his job doesn't pay that way, he does a trade where he can make money...but ummm he is lazy and chooses not to work.

4) Let's not even touch his car which got repossessed and I can't even continue I have this feeling in the put of my stomach.

So yeah I guess I want a reason out, but I'm having a hard time coming up with one. In my work I don't get the opportunity to date so really this kind of works for me. But I swear, if I'm dating someone this old, you would think there would be some benefits. I'm hoping and praying that this trip to California goes through and that I can take the time while on the beach (lol) to really think about the future of this relationship.

He's kind of one of those men who look good on the outside, but don't have 100 to his name. This probably makes me look like a loser for being associated but ahhh we all make mistakes. With him I have not gained anything but WEIGHT.

Switching gears. I am on a major diet. I have about 20 pounds of fat on me that has GOT to disappear. I am working out again and eating healthy so hopefully my body will snap about into shape. The stomach and thighs are killing me and definitely doing a doozy to self-esteem. I once known for my body and know yeah... that body is gone:( So I will keep myself in check and run and snack lightly and stay away from vending machines. Wish me luck!

Jackie Pt. 2

2008-06-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

As promised, though very late....here is some info on my style idol and all around icon...

Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis (July 28, 1929 – May 19, 1994) was the wife of United States President John F. Kennedy from 1953 to his death in 1963. She served as First Lady of the United States from 1961 until her husband's assassination. She was married to Aristotle Onassis from 1968 until his death in 1975. In later years she had a successful career as a book editor. She preferred her first name to be pronounced in the French manner (IPA: /ʒækˈliːn/).[1] After her marriage to Kennedy she was known as Jacqueline Kennedy or Jackie Kennedy; upon her marriage to Onassis and thereafter she was known as Jacqueline Onassis, Jackie Onassis, or more informally as Jackie O.

Through the years during and after she was First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy was a fashion icon. Many women tried to copy her clean suits, dresses and hairstyles. She had a tendency to wear French designers like Chanel, Givenchy, and Christian Dior but later made American designers like Lilly Pulitzer and Oleg Cassini well-known after wearing their clothes while being First Lady.[20] Still today Jackie is known for an impeccable style and is thought of as the most stylish of the First Ladies.

She is just everything I believe a woman should be, yeah she's flawed and she lived dangerously in some people's opinions but she lived. Wether in Paris, New York or the Hamptons she was always the best dressed lady and popularized effortless chic. She wore classic pieces and made simple and brainy sexy. I loved that her makeup was light and that she wore simple haircuts and was just generally not fussy.

I always try to read up on her and one of my favorites books about her is called
What Would Jackie Do?: An Inspired Guide to Distinctive Living by Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway. I love this book, it was a quick read and filled with everything from the colour of her bedding to her favorite poems.

2008-05-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

ok, did my im cleaning up post just get deleted....i am not happy right now...ok lets change the scene around here. This blog is basically a mishmash of my everyday life. So I can tell you for the last few days I have been in seclusion...not for any cool reason, to protest Tibetan Monks or Children who are sex slaves....nah I turned another year older and it hit me HARD. So I'm feeling better and nothing makes me feel quite as good as talking about fashion, drinking water and Jackie O...
I plan to do a mega post on my favorite gal...now if you were to see me you would say UMMMM why do YOU like Jackie O. Well because my dear, she embraces everything I represent, class, intrigue, mystery, fashion and hopefully soon money. She is just an icon for what young women need to start looking up to and not the Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton's of the word. Sweet Jesus, can we pull that skirt down, can we go easy on the multicoloured eyeshadow...(let me catch my breath.
So im obsessed with basically anything Kennedy and I go to bookstores looking for Information and books on them. What a complex family and just soooo weird. They are a telanova all by themselves and I believe my generation of young people don't really take an intrests in there lives. Anyways... back to Jackie.. I read this book called " What would Jackie Do" by some chicks, and it just changed everything to me...they had tips and all sorts of stuff that Jackie believed in, her dinnerware, pyjamas everything so intresting. So tomorrow I will prepare to give you all some trivia concerning the book and her.

Well let me give you some stats:

I am taking 2 classes this summer Biology 101 and Physical Science 101 (belch)
I am on a diet (its working)
I'm starting my grad program this coming fall
I love clothes, though I can't fit into any othem because I've gained like 20 pounds (eek)

That's enough for now, so I will find some Madame Jackie and fill you in later
Blessings
Y.

I'm Cleaning Up

2008-05-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome

2008-05-27T18:40:00.001-07:00

This is just me speaking about things that move or dissapoint me. I am cannot to be tricked, moved or coerced into anything that my soul disagrees with. I am in a weird place now, but I believe that just as the sun rises each morning that I will be over this slump as well. This blog is for us to share and understand with each other, I welcome debate and opinion and sometimes snark. Sometimes I will pepper this blog with fashion, beauty advice and other random stuff, because I am a random kindof girl. I hope that this is a consistent thing, because consistency tends to be one of my character flaws...oh well....happy reading and I hope we can become virtual friends

Blessings
becauseisaidso....

urwhatiwant

WOW

Much has happened since...

To Law or Not to Law

Tiger and Music

Hearts & Lent

Boys Boys Boys

Losing the LAST !5 POUNDS and a Novel

Haiti Relief Concert

hello...again?

What Would Jackie Do?

Unsure

and the band played on..

eat, eat, eat and when in doubt eat

Late Night Piggy

Being & Thinking Thin

NOLA

its been a good weekend

Meat Vs. Meat

ahhh Supper Club

EMO

Shape Up

Jacqueline

M.I.A

Too much CHEWING

Goodafternoon..sneeze, cough, choo

The End

Saying NO to temptation

I'm BACK!

New Yawk

ahhhh

ahhh hard work pays off..

hellllo

Hello From Canada!

hmmm

sad sad SAD

I am fat with eye issues

I decided NOT to work

not super fat fat just fat!

You can keep your FRUIT!

&*^(_@*$&)(@_#($*_#

I love Anthro & Papasan Chairs!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Jillian Michaels

Why didn't I get MARRIED

Yippeee

Size 8

Cranky

I'm BACK!!

J.CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhh..hello there

And So it Is................... (theme from CLOSER)

When is Enough...Enough

Sisterhood

Let's TALK!!!!!

I need a HUG Jesus!

The NeW NeW

Gladiator Sandals

Fatty McFAT

The Fog, Hammer and Chomping

What Would Jackie Do

So, its Monday how are YOU doing

Relationships suck!

Commitment...hmmpf

Commitment...hmmpf

I Choose MYSELF

AHHHHHHHHHH

Fat and Stupid Ass Relationships

Jackie Pt. 2

I'm Cleaning Up

Welcome

&^(_@$&)(@_#($*_#