And So it Is................... (theme from CLOSER)

Before there was Jack there was a man by the name of "blank blank"....though sweet Jackie had to let him GO! That's what I did on Friday and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it. I've been pretty down for the last couple of months. Something has been feeling off..I couldn't describe it but I knew that I wasn't happy any more. I feel like my youth was literally ripped from underneath me and caught myself wearing flats and eating chicken wings...undiva like behavior. I know that this separation will hurt... I've been used to the rides and money here and there..but its not worth my happiness. I literally can't recognize myself. I was looking at my calves this morning and I just feel swollen. I've never felt like this before nor have I every let myself go this point. Everything is out of whack and I'm finally reached my limit. Studying and Working Out is all I can do at this point to feel like Yolande again. I have some big engagements coming up so I must look and feel my best. Jackie politely gave the ring back and she and her ex-fiancee ended up being great friends. I'm not sure if this will happen in my situation but I have to at least be willing to follow through and let go.
I just miss my sassy self....the only way for to find her is to cut the fat and find her. I can't do that and be unhappy and I'm the sort that finds solace in food. My relationship is literally draining of me of life source. I believe he knows that...though he may not want to admit it. I know he's not happy either..and as much as I love him, I love me more.

I'm going raw this coming Monday..just trying to get healthy..this will be difficult and hard for me since I lack no self control but I'm hoping through prayer and meditation I will be able to get over this weight issue. Ok no processed food, no wings, no sweets....no CRAP I deserve better...

See ya
Y

I think I have decided that doing things my way DOES NOT WORK

So let's take me out of it and now that we have a BLACK PRESIDENT (woot woot)

there are some things that I have to start and finish.

1) Work Out

2) Eat Green literally

3) Study 5 hours a day on my LSAT

4) Finish outstanding classes

5) Complete my screenplay

6) Start writing more in general

I am not sure why I continue to be my worst enemy...is it low self esteem, is it that I just don't care? Who knows...it just has to stop. My job doesn't define and since I'm not even being paid. I'm not killing myself for it any longer. My relationship is literally on its last leg and my old relationship has gone nowhere and that's probably because I'm holding on to the relationship that I'm in that's going NOWHERE. His daughter will be here very soon...so I think that will be out.

I know in my heart that I cannot handle raising a child. I still have issues with children and I don't want to set myself up for something that I know I cannot deal with. Its rough, but I'm sure that I will be able to convey it in a much more succinct way to my dear old friend. I believe that his influence on me, is not a positive and I'm not sure why I feel so much older around him. That could be the weight issue which is literally killing ME!

I bought some vegetables and I'm really trying to watch what I eat. Clearly workout is not enough. My legs were killing me while I jogged today and that's just an indication that I haven't done any REAL exercise in a long time. I hate the way I look, but I'm not willing to say OKKKKKKKKKKKK working out and eating wings do not mesh.

So Goal for Week 1: Eat more veggies and fruits/NO CARBS....if I get through this I will treat myself later

love always

Y

ps. I love that picture up above...its just Black Love to me...makes me kind of want to fall in love. GO OBAMA!

When is Enough...Enough

Have I hit my breaking point...this fat FAT FAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT