Hey Y'all and when I say Y'all I mean ALL SEVEN (lol)

I am in sunny California on a workshop and I am having a blast. I totally want to move to California! I feel at peace and rested here. Sooo...that's why I haven't been posting:) Updates on my return

Cheers and Lipgloss

Relationships suck!

I think that I am either having a break-down or break through...because I'm feeling like I'm hitting the point of a revelation. 6 months ago I knew exactly what I wanted, who I wanted, what I wanted to be and where I was going.....now not so much. I am not where I want to be physically, emotionally or spiritually. Too fat, too removed, too neutral I guess. I had a long conversation about relationship with the person I am supposed to be in a relationship with and I came to the conclusion, that I don't even think that I want to ever be in a relationship where it is expected of me to be committed. What happened to being casual and why do we always have to talk about the end result, marriage. Blah...i have never been that girl and I'm just not into that kind of relationship. I'm sure there are reasons why, I know I'm selfish and I like things my way. Or maybe its because I haven't met anyone who has made me want to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I havent been in love, that could be it.... I'm pretty satisfied with what I've been...though I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what that is. I just feel like I want to be free. I

'm not bitter or upset I just need some independence in my love life. I don't want to feel like I have to report to anyone, that's why the single life is so appealing to me. I'm not sure what to do with my relationship....should I leave or should I go? Should I attempt to work it out or can I be lazy and just let it string along. Can we still meet and have fun without commitment... I can bypass the kissing and hand holding because that doesn't even happen that much. Can I try and just date openly..

Oh not to flip the script...but I had a super weird dream last night...was it because I had Cheetos late at night? I had a dream I was in love with someone who cannot be mine. I mean I've known this person for a while and I've never been attracted but.... I have no idea why he was up in all over my dream, it was so weird. I hope that dream does not repeat itself tonight...

I'm feeling like staying in my room and not talking to anyone, but I cannot do that today, or period because the boss and students are watching and that is so wrong............. I will take a personal "staycation" in my head.

Commitment...hmmpf

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love.

If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very interesting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always Blessings

Commitment...hmmpf

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love. If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very intresting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always,Blessings

I Choose MYSELF

I was speaking to my mother about relationships and women wanting children. I expressed to hear that I did not hear my biological clock ticking and was not waking up from dreams about a big white wedding. She was silent and said " That's why the Lord hasn't provided anyone for you.." WHAT IN THE.... sometimes I totally feel that no matter how successful I become or degrees I achieve, my main aim in life is drop babies for some man. Now don't get me wrong, I totally believe that love and children are a wonderful thing. Its just that women become so brutal when they hear that a fellow woman is not interested.

I'm not silly enough to say I will never want a child. There are moments, though short in length where I do feel to hold a baby, maybe even coo to a baby. Its just that the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a child makes me wheez. Get up, feed, burp repeat 3 times just is not the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead. I'm even more ambivalent when it comes on to relationships. Yes I love men and I believe that when the opposite sex is joined, sparks fly and its a beautiful thing. I just don't think that marriage and relationships is all that I as a woman is worth. Relationships can be time con summing and sometimes allows the person who is pursuing or being persued to loose focus on what it is that THEY WANT and the completely conform into something that the person that they want to buy matching candlesticks with.
I live in a society where its not uncommon for young people to be married before 23 and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder, "is this it" At 23 you want to be glued to someone for the rest of your life when you've only live a quarter of it. I've asked young ladies have they been to Europe or Asia?, Have the jumped out of plane or maybe written a screenplay. when was the last time they stayed up all night with the girls and a bottle of cheap wine? Yes, maybe they have but if they haven't they are missing out on experiences that are so important to women.

I think that before we start buying bridal magazines and start pressing our noses against the windows of BABYGAP, maybe we should pause and ask "Is this who I want to be. Am I ready to abandon a life un-lived for a certain kind of servitude? Can I handle not being able to run off when the time catches my fancy and will I not regret this 5 years down the line.

Its shocking, but I am in a happy place. I like someone and he likes me and that's as far as we are right now and its fine. I'm not saying its fine in a passive aggressive way either:) I choose to believe that I can experience love in all sorts of way and the ONLY way is not necessarily from a man. I choose to love myself and I know that I still worth something if my eggs dry up and I can no longer conceive. I think that's the part that scares me, not that one day I won't be able to, but that I don't have a life to fall back on. Even if society tilts its head and scratches its head at me....I think I will continue on this quest and choose

AHHHHHHHHHH

I had an interesting conversation last night about friendships and enemies. At one time in my life I had a list of people who I considered to be enemies for various reasons. As of lately, I find I no longer have the energy or care about enemies. I mean the reality is, people for whatever reasons do not get a long. No need to write an dissertation on it, these things just happen so umm can we move on. I don't believe after the age of 22 is it cute or even mature do stomp around like a pony, screwing your face and cutting your eyes at people. It just looks so silly and its a BIG waste of time. You cannot dislike someone who doesn't care about you. I know that sounds rough, but most of the time, people who you don't like don't care about you or your feelings. So being upset is wasted energy.
I've had my fair share of people who feel that "dissing" me will cause a reaction, but rest assured if the knew me they would know that is the WORSE way to get my attention. I completely shut down around people who are not in my inner circle. If you don't like me keep it moving, just don't step to me in falsehood of friendship and we will be straight. I also believe that it is important that one looks at the reasons they don't like someone. Disliking someone because of an outfit, perception, tall tale, boyfriend etc.... are not reasons to dislike someone. I've heard countless times, I just didn't like you.... with no point of reference. I believe that's a spiritual issue, disliking someone is so anti-christian and its also damaging to the soul.
I find with women, that disliking one another is almost expected at times. In my profession, I hear girls give vague reasons why the dislike a certain female. They say she's bossy, full of her self, self-absorbed, prissy..most of the times I laugh because the girls they dislike are exact reflections of themselves. I also notice that people with low self esteem find it easy to dislike people and normally this is a cry for help or acceptance. Let's start a movement, one where females embrace one another and lift each other up. No need for hating and snide remarks, sisters have to stick together. If you see a female who needs encouragement or just a compliment, be a sister a make the first move. We owe to ourselves to take care of each other and in the climate that we live in today bonding is necessary to our survival.
So stop mean mugging, lighten up and stop falling for the stereotypes that the media have concocted for you. Get along at work at play and self-actualize when in battle with a member of your same sex. Be honest and forthcoming and stop being a carrier of news, esspecially false news. Don't be the first to discuss a female maybe (gasp) pray for them. I know its difficult because some females are truly wretches but its satisfying when you don't give into the temptation to slap a chick when she becomes brand new with you.

I know this girl who claims to hate me, but in fact I think she adores me. She discusses me whenever she can always has an opinion and says things to people that I associate with so I will hear it back. I mean why so much energy one someone you hate. She is obsessed and the truth of the matter is I haven't said 10 words in English to her since 2001. She's NOT my type of person and I choose to remove myself whenever she is around, because she's toxic.
Instead of disliking her, I feel sorry for her....because its sad when at this age you have to resort to playground tactics to cause a reaction from someone who clearly cares nothing about you. I wish she would just say, hey...i really like you and I want to be friends because she acts like a schoolyard crush that has gone wrong. Get over yourself my dear, I will never like you if you continue to treat me the way I do and most importantly you will not bully me into liking you. Concentrate on the people who love you and not so much on the person who has no opinion one way or the other....
So yeah, I'm making it my duty to uplift a woman today...wanna join me:)

I cry so easily, which is not a bad thing but its not a great thing. I used to be the type of chick that was attitude, no one could get close...basically an impostor. I refused to having meaningful connections because in my opinion it meant that I would have to open up. I wasn't into sharing my story or being vulnerable so it was impossible to have any real kind of relationship with me.
Well thankfully I've matured, and I'm much more open to feelings and I can actually relate to other people because sharing isn't gut wrenching anymore. Sometimes I cry when I think of the past and of lately I've been crying about the future. Whether its making my mum proud at a graduation or clinching that job that I want...I get emotional because for the first time I want the things and plan to achieve the "things" that I want.
I do still believe in privacy but at the expense of shutting off a conversation or becoming vague to someone. I have no real hangups about spilling my guts, admitting I'm anxious or just having down moments where my inner voice doubts itself. Words of others, mean nothing to me and if anything the more discouragement I get the more excited I am about facing my goals.

So basically I'm putting it out there...I am open. Eek I can't believe I said that! I am open to love and hate and to not always being in your favor and to stumbling along life's pathways. I don't have most of the answers but I have some and I can identify what it is that I need to be happy. Now I know that my happiness is not always popular with some, but trust....the happiness I feel cannot be crumbled or swayed by personal opinion or by floundering fallacies.

So yeah here I am raw and naked and OK with that...you shall see every lump, stretch mark mole and you like it because I love it

Fat and Stupid Ass Relationships

So yeah,
long story short I'm dating a guy who is sort of beneath me.. I know that sounds radical its just that where I am today as in this minute HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME. He has more luggage than Naomi Campbell at Heath row, children, grandchildren...plus someone I totally respect says that because of the age difference, he will begin to age me. You have no idea how close i was to spitting out my morning coffee. After years of slacking off, I am in a good place. I have a good job, that doesn't pay which is another post. School is looking good and though I face normal challenges I can say I much rather where I am today, than where I was 2 years ago. This relationship kind of happened and though there are many good moments. Some of the not so good ones have been weighing me down.

1) He is financially unstable, which if you know me is a problem because I am deathly afraid of poverty.

2) He has children and grandchildren and an ex-wife. None of these people directly affect me, but I'm a selfish chick so one day they will

3) Though his job doesn't pay that way, he does a trade where he can make money...but ummm he is lazy and chooses not to work.

4) Let's not even touch his car which got repossessed and I can't even continue I have this feeling in the put of my stomach.

So yeah I guess I want a reason out, but I'm having a hard time coming up with one. In my work I don't get the opportunity to date so really this kind of works for me. But I swear, if I'm dating someone this old, you would think there would be some benefits. I'm hoping and praying that this trip to California goes through and that I can take the time while on the beach (lol) to really think about the future of this relationship.

He's kind of one of those men who look good on the outside, but don't have 100 to his name. This probably makes me look like a loser for being associated but ahhh we all make mistakes. With him I have not gained anything but WEIGHT.

Switching gears. I am on a major diet. I have about 20 pounds of fat on me that has GOT to disappear. I am working out again and eating healthy so hopefully my body will snap about into shape. The stomach and thighs are killing me and definitely doing a doozy to self-esteem. I once known for my body and know yeah... that body is gone:( So I will keep myself in check and run and snack lightly and stay away from vending machines. Wish me luck!

Jackie Pt. 2

As promised, though very late....here is some info on my style idol and all around icon...

Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis (July 28, 1929 – May 19, 1994) was the wife of United States President John F. Kennedy from 1953 to his death in 1963. She served as First Lady of the United States from 1961 until her husband's assassination. She was married to Aristotle Onassis from 1968 until his death in 1975. In later years she had a successful career as a book editor. She preferred her first name to be pronounced in the French manner (IPA: /ʒækˈliːn/).[1] After her marriage to Kennedy she was known as Jacqueline Kennedy or Jackie Kennedy; upon her marriage to Onassis and thereafter she was known as Jacqueline Onassis, Jackie Onassis, or more informally as Jackie O.

Through the years during and after she was First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy was a fashion icon. Many women tried to copy her clean suits, dresses and hairstyles. She had a tendency to wear French designers like Chanel, Givenchy, and Christian Dior but later made American designers like Lilly Pulitzer and Oleg Cassini well-known after wearing their clothes while being First Lady.[20] Still today Jackie is known for an impeccable style and is thought of as the most stylish of the First Ladies.

She is just everything I believe a woman should be, yeah she's flawed and she lived dangerously in some people's opinions but she lived. Wether in Paris, New York or the Hamptons she was always the best dressed lady and popularized effortless chic. She wore classic pieces and made simple and brainy sexy. I loved that her makeup was light and that she wore simple haircuts and was just generally not fussy.

I always try to read up on her and one of my favorites books about her is called
What Would Jackie Do?: An Inspired Guide to Distinctive Living by Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway. I love this book, it was a quick read and filled with everything from the colour of her bedding to her favorite poems.