Relationships suck!

I think that I am either having a break-down or break through...because I'm feeling like I'm hitting the point of a revelation. 6 months ago I knew exactly what I wanted, who I wanted, what I wanted to be and where I was going.....now not so much. I am not where I want to be physically, emotionally or spiritually. Too fat, too removed, too neutral I guess. I had a long conversation about relationship with the person I am supposed to be in a relationship with and I came to the conclusion, that I don't even think that I want to ever be in a relationship where it is expected of me to be committed. What happened to being casual and why do we always have to talk about the end result, marriage. Blah...i have never been that girl and I'm just not into that kind of relationship. I'm sure there are reasons why, I know I'm selfish and I like things my way. Or maybe its because I haven't met anyone who has made me want to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I havent been in love, that could be it.... I'm pretty satisfied with what I've been...though I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what that is. I just feel like I want to be free. I

'm not bitter or upset I just need some independence in my love life. I don't want to feel like I have to report to anyone, that's why the single life is so appealing to me. I'm not sure what to do with my relationship....should I leave or should I go? Should I attempt to work it out or can I be lazy and just let it string along. Can we still meet and have fun without commitment... I can bypass the kissing and hand holding because that doesn't even happen that much. Can I try and just date openly..

Oh not to flip the script...but I had a super weird dream last night...was it because I had Cheetos late at night? I had a dream I was in love with someone who cannot be mine. I mean I've known this person for a while and I've never been attracted but.... I have no idea why he was up in all over my dream, it was so weird. I hope that dream does not repeat itself tonight...

I'm feeling like staying in my room and not talking to anyone, but I cannot do that today, or period because the boss and students are watching and that is so wrong............. I will take a personal "staycation" in my head.