I Choose MYSELF

I was speaking to my mother about relationships and women wanting children. I expressed to hear that I did not hear my biological clock ticking and was not waking up from dreams about a big white wedding. She was silent and said " That's why the Lord hasn't provided anyone for you.." WHAT IN THE.... sometimes I totally feel that no matter how successful I become or degrees I achieve, my main aim in life is drop babies for some man. Now don't get me wrong, I totally believe that love and children are a wonderful thing. Its just that women become so brutal when they hear that a fellow woman is not interested.

I'm not silly enough to say I will never want a child. There are moments, though short in length where I do feel to hold a baby, maybe even coo to a baby. Its just that the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a child makes me wheez. Get up, feed, burp repeat 3 times just is not the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead. I'm even more ambivalent when it comes on to relationships. Yes I love men and I believe that when the opposite sex is joined, sparks fly and its a beautiful thing. I just don't think that marriage and relationships is all that I as a woman is worth. Relationships can be time con summing and sometimes allows the person who is pursuing or being persued to loose focus on what it is that THEY WANT and the completely conform into something that the person that they want to buy matching candlesticks with.
I live in a society where its not uncommon for young people to be married before 23 and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder, "is this it" At 23 you want to be glued to someone for the rest of your life when you've only live a quarter of it. I've asked young ladies have they been to Europe or Asia?, Have the jumped out of plane or maybe written a screenplay. when was the last time they stayed up all night with the girls and a bottle of cheap wine? Yes, maybe they have but if they haven't they are missing out on experiences that are so important to women.

I think that before we start buying bridal magazines and start pressing our noses against the windows of BABYGAP, maybe we should pause and ask "Is this who I want to be. Am I ready to abandon a life un-lived for a certain kind of servitude? Can I handle not being able to run off when the time catches my fancy and will I not regret this 5 years down the line.

Its shocking, but I am in a happy place. I like someone and he likes me and that's as far as we are right now and its fine. I'm not saying its fine in a passive aggressive way either:) I choose to believe that I can experience love in all sorts of way and the ONLY way is not necessarily from a man. I choose to love myself and I know that I still worth something if my eggs dry up and I can no longer conceive. I think that's the part that scares me, not that one day I won't be able to, but that I don't have a life to fall back on. Even if society tilts its head and scratches its head at me....I think I will continue on this quest and choose