And So it Is................... (theme from CLOSER)

Before there was Jack there was a man by the name of "blank blank"....though sweet Jackie had to let him GO! That's what I did on Friday and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it. I've been pretty down for the last couple of months. Something has been feeling off..I couldn't describe it but I knew that I wasn't happy any more. I feel like my youth was literally ripped from underneath me and caught myself wearing flats and eating chicken wings...undiva like behavior. I know that this separation will hurt... I've been used to the rides and money here and there..but its not worth my happiness. I literally can't recognize myself. I was looking at my calves this morning and I just feel swollen. I've never felt like this before nor have I every let myself go this point. Everything is out of whack and I'm finally reached my limit. Studying and Working Out is all I can do at this point to feel like Yolande again. I have some big engagements coming up so I must look and feel my best. Jackie politely gave the ring back and she and her ex-fiancee ended up being great friends. I'm not sure if this will happen in my situation but I have to at least be willing to follow through and let go.
I just miss my sassy self....the only way for to find her is to cut the fat and find her. I can't do that and be unhappy and I'm the sort that finds solace in food. My relationship is literally draining of me of life source. I believe he knows that...though he may not want to admit it. I know he's not happy either..and as much as I love him, I love me more.

I'm going raw this coming Monday..just trying to get healthy..this will be difficult and hard for me since I lack no self control but I'm hoping through prayer and meditation I will be able to get over this weight issue. Ok no processed food, no wings, no sweets....no CRAP I deserve better...

See ya
Y

I think I have decided that doing things my way DOES NOT WORK

So let's take me out of it and now that we have a BLACK PRESIDENT (woot woot)

there are some things that I have to start and finish.

1) Work Out

2) Eat Green literally

3) Study 5 hours a day on my LSAT

4) Finish outstanding classes

5) Complete my screenplay

6) Start writing more in general

I am not sure why I continue to be my worst enemy...is it low self esteem, is it that I just don't care? Who knows...it just has to stop. My job doesn't define and since I'm not even being paid. I'm not killing myself for it any longer. My relationship is literally on its last leg and my old relationship has gone nowhere and that's probably because I'm holding on to the relationship that I'm in that's going NOWHERE. His daughter will be here very soon...so I think that will be out.

I know in my heart that I cannot handle raising a child. I still have issues with children and I don't want to set myself up for something that I know I cannot deal with. Its rough, but I'm sure that I will be able to convey it in a much more succinct way to my dear old friend. I believe that his influence on me, is not a positive and I'm not sure why I feel so much older around him. That could be the weight issue which is literally killing ME!

I bought some vegetables and I'm really trying to watch what I eat. Clearly workout is not enough. My legs were killing me while I jogged today and that's just an indication that I haven't done any REAL exercise in a long time. I hate the way I look, but I'm not willing to say OKKKKKKKKKKKK working out and eating wings do not mesh.

So Goal for Week 1: Eat more veggies and fruits/NO CARBS....if I get through this I will treat myself later

love always

Y

ps. I love that picture up above...its just Black Love to me...makes me kind of want to fall in love. GO OBAMA!

When is Enough...Enough

Have I hit my breaking point...this fat FAT FAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT

Sisterhood

I made a mistake and joined a group of girls, expecting change and sisterhood. Instead I got headache and regrets. I'm not at a place in my life where I do not have time for foolishness and rumours. Now these rumors are actually untrue. Nonetheless it's still painful and just plain rude. I'm not sure if its an issue with the person I date or just mean girls...but I'm so over it. I hate that I have to walk on eggshells around people. I actually refuse to do so, I'm much better at being a lone...at least away from caustic women. I've never gotten along with women and maybe its because I'm not the one or I'm not into secrets....I just plain don't care enough to make long lasting bonds. Whatever it is. I want nothing to do with that kind of sisterhood.

I have really nothing for anyone to be jealous of....yet. I'm going to law school and I'm about to drop this weight like a bad habit. So anyone who is upset or jealous better watch out. I used to be a little harsh, kind of rough around the edges...impatient and just plain get out of my face....I'm now on a different track but I still can pop off when and if I choose. Its cool though I cannot wait till Alumni or Graduation its about to be on...I'm already planning my attack!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't planning on working out tonight, but now I'm going. I need to feel the sweat running down my back. I need to feel the loss of breathe. I need to regain my Halle Berry SDA swagger and go hard and never mind. Oh its on and POPPPPING

Let's TALK!!!!!

Soooo, what's happening. I started my point system and I feel so much more optimistic about things! I think I can beat this 35 pounds into oblivion. I've been keeping up with my diet and not eating crap at night. Now I'm eating fruit at 2 in the morning. Yeah....I know I should be eating NADA but old habits die hard. Speaking of old habits, my ex is still popping up and still trying to work something out. Maybe I'm just not believing the hype, but I'm keeping my eye out on him. I know that I love him, I just wonder if that's enough. Oh well...I just got to keep my mind of the prize and finish what work I have in front of me. Losing this weight is a number one priority. I plan to go back to running in the morning and tae bo at night again. The appetite is just the first hurdle that I have to get through. I wonder how my trip with go to you know where. Will it be awkward...will we fall magically back in love. Will we argue about the past. Will I go home with a ring? Who knows, but one thing I'm sure of, the trip will change my life in one way or the other.

I know we both made some serious mistakes, but we are older now. Hopefully we have our shit together and we can just move on, love and do what couples do. Ahhhh, my Spanish love...who would have thought it!

I need a HUG Jesus!

I know I know I am horrible. I need to commit myself to writing here at least once or twice a week. Life is good, though I still a slacker I still feel that I am moving towards a better "place" I really want to know why I am so full of hot air. I mean I can spew some crap sometimes, just I will, I will, I will and I don't do anything. I really want to stop this destructive behavior. I really need God's help and his hand to guide me into this transition. I am too old, for this foolishness! I am disappointed in myself, I know I should be farther along then I am. I have to look myself in the mirror and tackle some of my biggest demons. Weight and Education. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this huge, its utterly disgusting. I am actually concerned:( I keep saying I will do something, but I don't.

There are two things that I am praying for guidance with:
My weight I would like to lose 15 pounds by mid October
My Education I would like to finish more than halfway of my courses.
So I write this open letter to God asking for his help. SINCERELY!
I am tired of not feeling pretty and not feeling smart enough. Ok enough babbling. The first thing on the agenda is drinking more water. So lets see what happens when one stops eating junk and drinks more water:)

I will check in later PEACE

The NeW NeW

Soooooooooo I got a call from my ex and to put a long story short...He still LOVES me:) Now what do I do with this information. Now I am dating someone, and its going well with him. This blast from the past is really shaking me to the core. I totally have feelings for this guy, and I also feel that we have a deep history that makes being together envitable. This guy that I'm dating is very nice and being with him has made me happy for the last year.

It's been awhile, but I am back!

My soon to be ex just left the building and for some reason I don't care about him or what he is doing or ANYTHING right now. I'm one of those kindof people who cannot do two things at once. My major concern right is now my weight. I'm back to working out everyday and I'm hoping to see overall improvments quickly. I never want to be this big again, I feel very uncomfortable:(

I've been speaking to an old friend of mine and loving him is probably a wise decision for me. I mean we have a lot of history and being with him is safer then NOT being with him. So I have that to figure out and quite frankly my brain is leaning towards "Girl get back with that man". I'm very complicated when it comes on to dating, I enjoy spending time with boyfriends and all that jazz....but I guess I don't really make solid connecations. I'm just about enjoying the moment. Most men I know don't want to enjoy the moment they want love and ch

Gladiator Sandals

Let me be honest by first saying that I hate my feet. I probably hate yours as well, because all feet disgust me. Especially Men feet, I will cancel a date if I see flip flops anywhere in my near vicinity.. I could careless how nice you are. Gladiator Sandals are an issue for me, the parade around as faux boots that give your toes AC. I just cannot deal with them. Every time I go to the mall or nearest shopping center and see them I cringe. I just don't believe they make sense, and very rarely do they look good on people. I hate all shoe wear that is high to the knew but open to the toes. You might say, yeah Y, what about the "low ones" and I still say BOO! They make your feet look so flat, if you have slender feet they look skeletal and if you have chubby feet they looked like Vienna Sausages...I just can't deal with the. Now I must admit, I've seen look cute with skinny jeans and an airy " My rent has been paid" expensive blouse...but yeah most people can't rock that style. Case in point Jennifer Hudson and this walking nightmare, eek makes me want to jog, eat cucumbers and burn those shoes off while the wearer is STILL wearing them.

Dramatic yes, serious YES!

Before we all run to Baker's to pay 29.99 for these doozies, let's just have "real talk" with our feet. Ask you feet and yourself, is this what I really want to say. Is this the image I want to portray. Not every trend is for you and this trend ended with the Romans, so please think twice for purchasing.

What kind of shoe do you rock on a daily basis? Heels, flats, sneakers etc...

Fatty McFAT

I'm on a workout get my body fit plan....and I'm tired and not seeing results as fast as I would like. I put on a lot of weight, more than I realized. This is the heaviest I've ever been, especially around the butt and hip area and stomach for that matter. So it back to water, I work out once a day and trying to stay away form sweets and cars. These last two days, I've eaten some junk and today I have to get back on it. I plan to do some TaeBo this morning, then off to Wally World I got to buy some fruits and things I can eat. I find that when I don't have healthy snacks I eat what's available plus if I don't eat breakfast I lose complete control.

Can I be honest, my looks are important to me and I hate looking at beautiful clothes I have that I CANNOT wear. Most of my clothes are size 4 I'm currently a 8. You do see the dilemma My hips and stomach have never been an issue, but a lot of fat has accumulated there, so working out is imperative for me. I have my beautiful cousins wedding in July 2009, I plan to visit my home looking out of control HOT. Let's view a checklist of things that must happen to achieve this.

1. I have to work out everyday

2. I have to drink no less than 2 gallons of water a day

3. I have to eat fruit and vegetable every day.

4. I have to stop snacking, (chips, cookies, sweets have to be handled with care)

5. I have to stop driving as much and walk

6. I have to get more rest

7. I have to try on a dress every week to view my progess

8. Most important I have to go to CHURCH!

So my plan is by December to be a strong 6. From there I will transition to a 4 by May then tone up for July. Its so important that I lose this weight, I just don't feel sexy. The guy that I'm constantly complaining about is a complete sabotage...so I have to really watch my food choices around him. SideNote: I've chose Sunday to be my cheat day. I enjoy wings on Sundays with a can of pop, its my thing don't judge me.

Some of the fast food restaurant places I like to go that serve something healthy are (gasp, gasp lol)

Wendy's for their CHILI

Taco Bell for their Spicy Chicken Burrito

ChicFil-A for their side salad with chicken bites

Really its just better to stick to fruit, chicken, salads, water and vegetables:(:)

that's it if you have any inspirational words or diet tips PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT

The Fog, Hammer and Chomping

I am so frustrated! I had that long talk with you know who and it did not go well. Basically I told him in my own legalistic way, that dating exclusively was a total waste of time. My parents and their sheer hate of the fact that I am dating someone old enough to be my father is a point of contention with me. Today he brought up some insane foolishness, like "am I enough" and my favorite "do you like someone else". I lied to him and told him "No". Well the truth be told, I am interested in this young chap I met a month or so ago. He pops into my thoughts at least twice a day, and I find myself wishing he was the last voice I hear before I go to bed.


I'm not sure if this is a phase and I have prayed about. I do know that I can't date him, if I'm with someone else. I wonder sometimes if the "The Hammer" (we shall call him this, henceforth") is really worth it. My next post I will fill you on in the details and stats. I totally dig him and we get a long, but sometimes I wonder if I'm selling myself short. I'm a complex person and for the first time ever, marriage is something I want to pursue. I'm not sure if I want to pursue with someone that old. I do know its quite possible that I will be a caregiver and I'm not sure if I want to waste my golden years doing that. Another thing that makes me weary is he jealousy/possessive crap. Now this must be a generational thing but...every male I speak to he tries to regulate my interaction. I have a good friend we went to college together and he said that if he visits we can't go to the movies. I was like "SAY WHAT"!!! He said it's inappropriate for us to that, that sort of activity is reserved for couples. In my head I whispered not where I come from...lol.

So I have a lot to ponder, so if you have any good break-up suggestions or maybe thoughts on dating May-December please let me know. I feel like I'm walking through a fog. I know I don't want to end all communication with him, but he doesn't believe in dating casually. I mean what's wrong with dating casually????


Ok on to something else. My diet and workout plan, has been going swimmingly. I work out everyday for at least 50 minutes. I did Tae-bo on Monday and I resumed my love/hate relationship with Billy Blanks. WHAT A SADIST!!!... I feel motivated and I'm already picturing myself in my size 4 dresses. I'm tired of being fat and lazy it's time to get sleek and lean. The eating part for me is still a challenge, but I'm forcing myself to eat as many servings of fruits and veggies as possible. My water intake has been good, I'm always pushing myself to drink one more gallon. I'm ready to bring 2003 back, when I was my slimmest. My hips and thighs are taking over my life. I have so much beautiful clothes that I cannot wear because my lips won't start chomping. I am regaining my life, and every good week I have I reward myself with a treat. This past Friday It was cosmetics from Anthropologie. This weekend, I may try to finally watch Sex and the City...I really want to see it on the big screen ( I know I'm super late)

Ok, it's 2;30 here I'm off to bed...peace:)

What Would Jackie Do

oh dear that is way to close to WHAT WOULD JESUS DO..... this to Jackie Says....

Now for those of you who don't know this... I am a big Jackie Kennedy Stan! I love her and her effortless chic and style. I'm currently reading American Queen her autobiography and so far it is very good. I enjoy her little nuances, how she blocked out negativity, married well and always looked perfect in the media. I like to think that I am a Jacqueline in training and I hope to embody some of the high standards she stood for.

So I will be featuring a new post at least once a week called.... Jackie says....

Now lets start with BEAUTY first..

would Jackie spend $250 on a bottle of La Mer.... you bet you bottom dollar she would. She would much prefer that her beau of the moment pick it up for her. You see men need to realize if you are spending time with me, you may need to assist in up keeping me. I have finally convince my mother-dear that I NEED a bottle of this wonder working cream. Genetics and water can do so much, and when you have a product on the market that scientist and celebrities rave over...you MUST jump on the bandwagon.

I promise you..you will see results. My mom has been using it for a few months and her face looks incredible.

#2 Would Jackie Diet....

Ummm yeah...she would. Now she would diet discreetly ladies, please do not bring you 2 gallon jugs of the Lemonade diet to work...we don't need to see all that. Fat is not cute, especially when you're trying to wriggle yourself into couture. I am actually on a diet, I have some weight to shed and I have clearly lost my natural mind, because I have abandoned my size 4 skirts. I plan to work out 1 hour a day and drink lots of water and eat 80% good and have my 20% cheat days. I'm also trying to get as much fruits and veggies into my system as possible. This unsightly weight gain is a Jackie NO NO! The only way to lose weight in my opinion is to attack it with a vengeance and keep attacking it till your body surrenders to you will.

That's it for now, if you have any beauty and diet tricks please feel free to share.

kisses

Y

So, its Monday how are YOU doing

It's been awhile, so allow me to get you up to speed...

I spent 10 glorious days in California and it was JUST what I needed. Though I was there for work, it was relaxing and just what I needed to get rejuvenated. One thing that did happen, I turned into a shopaholic again, which was nice. Since coming home, I have dealt with some relationship issues, mostly me not sure if I want to stay in it.:(...I also got my new contacts and they are sooo much better. Though seeing is daunting, every pore and mark is magnified right now. I also added that special someone to my Facebook friends list and I'm really hoping something happens. I can't seem to shake this feeling that we are destined to be together. Corny yes, but hopefully true.

I also came to my breaking point weight wise this past Saturday. My goodness I have gotten FAT and for the first time it was disturbing. So I'm starting a 21 day fruit and veggie program and I'm hoping that I will stick to the plan. I also plan to workout twice a day for the 21 days to rev my metabolism. My goal weight is 127 so I have about 20 pounds to lose.

Whenever I get in relationships, I balloon...its a total lack of self control and I hate that about myself. I have also decided to finish another degree and my plan is to attend law school next fall. I have some classes that I need to complete...so I'm about to get into worker bee mode. This blog is supposed to be somewhere I come to vent and try to figure stuff out. So if you have suggestions please let me know.

Life is good, and though this birthday brought an uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty. I do know that I'm ready for a serious relationship with someone who is ambitious and driven. I also am ready to discuss marriage which has been a major NO NO in times past. So yeah I'm in a good place, just trying to get my head around some things.

ohhhh yes I bought a Jackie Kennedy book at Barnes and Nobles last night, America's Queen...it's quite good so far.

how do i say this polietly....

i want out and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish this.

Hey Y'all and when I say Y'all I mean ALL SEVEN (lol)

I am in sunny California on a workshop and I am having a blast. I totally want to move to California! I feel at peace and rested here. Sooo...that's why I haven't been posting:) Updates on my return

Cheers and Lipgloss

Relationships suck!

I think that I am either having a break-down or break through...because I'm feeling like I'm hitting the point of a revelation. 6 months ago I knew exactly what I wanted, who I wanted, what I wanted to be and where I was going.....now not so much. I am not where I want to be physically, emotionally or spiritually. Too fat, too removed, too neutral I guess. I had a long conversation about relationship with the person I am supposed to be in a relationship with and I came to the conclusion, that I don't even think that I want to ever be in a relationship where it is expected of me to be committed. What happened to being casual and why do we always have to talk about the end result, marriage. Blah...i have never been that girl and I'm just not into that kind of relationship. I'm sure there are reasons why, I know I'm selfish and I like things my way. Or maybe its because I haven't met anyone who has made me want to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I havent been in love, that could be it.... I'm pretty satisfied with what I've been...though I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what that is. I just feel like I want to be free. I

'm not bitter or upset I just need some independence in my love life. I don't want to feel like I have to report to anyone, that's why the single life is so appealing to me. I'm not sure what to do with my relationship....should I leave or should I go? Should I attempt to work it out or can I be lazy and just let it string along. Can we still meet and have fun without commitment... I can bypass the kissing and hand holding because that doesn't even happen that much. Can I try and just date openly..

Oh not to flip the script...but I had a super weird dream last night...was it because I had Cheetos late at night? I had a dream I was in love with someone who cannot be mine. I mean I've known this person for a while and I've never been attracted but.... I have no idea why he was up in all over my dream, it was so weird. I hope that dream does not repeat itself tonight...

I'm feeling like staying in my room and not talking to anyone, but I cannot do that today, or period because the boss and students are watching and that is so wrong............. I will take a personal "staycation" in my head.

Commitment...hmmpf

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love.

If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very interesting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always Blessings

Commitment...hmmpf

I won't bother or waste time to introduce myself, because that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can't seem to come to terms with the word COMMITMENT. What exactly does that mean, what are the parameters and more importantly when are all BETS off. Yes, I do believe that commitment can work and I have witnessed many relationships flourish under strict guidelines of...I like you, you like me...you CANNOT like anyone else but me, blah blah blah. Yeah it can work, but is that truly following your heart. I mean commitment is great but what if you find someone better, or someone who fulfills your needs more accurately then the person you with. Or what if you fall in "love at first sight" you know all the movie cliches happen to you....while you have a partner. Is it love and does commitment matter when it comes on to being with your true love. If you see him again and you feel warm and that "feeling" is there, is it OK to politely dismiss your current boo. Hey don't ask me, I have some very intresting view points on relationships and how much we lie to ourselves about what love is. Love is a wonderful thing, please believe...but its also fickle and it means that when you give it, the person you give it to..has the right to do what they want with it. I mean yes honesty should be enforced, but holding on to someone who is not FOR YOU...is not only a waste but sad. I think if we took the time to be more honest ex. Yes I like you, I might even love you, but your too hard to be with, I want someone easier...or really the classic ex. Its not you, its me and ME wants to be with her:) Like I said I'm just sharing and discovering...I'm about to msn it up right now, so if you agree or disagree please let me know.

As always,Blessings

I Choose MYSELF

I was speaking to my mother about relationships and women wanting children. I expressed to hear that I did not hear my biological clock ticking and was not waking up from dreams about a big white wedding. She was silent and said " That's why the Lord hasn't provided anyone for you.." WHAT IN THE.... sometimes I totally feel that no matter how successful I become or degrees I achieve, my main aim in life is drop babies for some man. Now don't get me wrong, I totally believe that love and children are a wonderful thing. Its just that women become so brutal when they hear that a fellow woman is not interested.

I'm not silly enough to say I will never want a child. There are moments, though short in length where I do feel to hold a baby, maybe even coo to a baby. Its just that the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a child makes me wheez. Get up, feed, burp repeat 3 times just is not the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead. I'm even more ambivalent when it comes on to relationships. Yes I love men and I believe that when the opposite sex is joined, sparks fly and its a beautiful thing. I just don't think that marriage and relationships is all that I as a woman is worth. Relationships can be time con summing and sometimes allows the person who is pursuing or being persued to loose focus on what it is that THEY WANT and the completely conform into something that the person that they want to buy matching candlesticks with.
I live in a society where its not uncommon for young people to be married before 23 and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder, "is this it" At 23 you want to be glued to someone for the rest of your life when you've only live a quarter of it. I've asked young ladies have they been to Europe or Asia?, Have the jumped out of plane or maybe written a screenplay. when was the last time they stayed up all night with the girls and a bottle of cheap wine? Yes, maybe they have but if they haven't they are missing out on experiences that are so important to women.

I think that before we start buying bridal magazines and start pressing our noses against the windows of BABYGAP, maybe we should pause and ask "Is this who I want to be. Am I ready to abandon a life un-lived for a certain kind of servitude? Can I handle not being able to run off when the time catches my fancy and will I not regret this 5 years down the line.

Its shocking, but I am in a happy place. I like someone and he likes me and that's as far as we are right now and its fine. I'm not saying its fine in a passive aggressive way either:) I choose to believe that I can experience love in all sorts of way and the ONLY way is not necessarily from a man. I choose to love myself and I know that I still worth something if my eggs dry up and I can no longer conceive. I think that's the part that scares me, not that one day I won't be able to, but that I don't have a life to fall back on. Even if society tilts its head and scratches its head at me....I think I will continue on this quest and choose

AHHHHHHHHHH

I had an interesting conversation last night about friendships and enemies. At one time in my life I had a list of people who I considered to be enemies for various reasons. As of lately, I find I no longer have the energy or care about enemies. I mean the reality is, people for whatever reasons do not get a long. No need to write an dissertation on it, these things just happen so umm can we move on. I don't believe after the age of 22 is it cute or even mature do stomp around like a pony, screwing your face and cutting your eyes at people. It just looks so silly and its a BIG waste of time. You cannot dislike someone who doesn't care about you. I know that sounds rough, but most of the time, people who you don't like don't care about you or your feelings. So being upset is wasted energy.
I've had my fair share of people who feel that "dissing" me will cause a reaction, but rest assured if the knew me they would know that is the WORSE way to get my attention. I completely shut down around people who are not in my inner circle. If you don't like me keep it moving, just don't step to me in falsehood of friendship and we will be straight. I also believe that it is important that one looks at the reasons they don't like someone. Disliking someone because of an outfit, perception, tall tale, boyfriend etc.... are not reasons to dislike someone. I've heard countless times, I just didn't like you.... with no point of reference. I believe that's a spiritual issue, disliking someone is so anti-christian and its also damaging to the soul.
I find with women, that disliking one another is almost expected at times. In my profession, I hear girls give vague reasons why the dislike a certain female. They say she's bossy, full of her self, self-absorbed, prissy..most of the times I laugh because the girls they dislike are exact reflections of themselves. I also notice that people with low self esteem find it easy to dislike people and normally this is a cry for help or acceptance. Let's start a movement, one where females embrace one another and lift each other up. No need for hating and snide remarks, sisters have to stick together. If you see a female who needs encouragement or just a compliment, be a sister a make the first move. We owe to ourselves to take care of each other and in the climate that we live in today bonding is necessary to our survival.
So stop mean mugging, lighten up and stop falling for the stereotypes that the media have concocted for you. Get along at work at play and self-actualize when in battle with a member of your same sex. Be honest and forthcoming and stop being a carrier of news, esspecially false news. Don't be the first to discuss a female maybe (gasp) pray for them. I know its difficult because some females are truly wretches but its satisfying when you don't give into the temptation to slap a chick when she becomes brand new with you.

I know this girl who claims to hate me, but in fact I think she adores me. She discusses me whenever she can always has an opinion and says things to people that I associate with so I will hear it back. I mean why so much energy one someone you hate. She is obsessed and the truth of the matter is I haven't said 10 words in English to her since 2001. She's NOT my type of person and I choose to remove myself whenever she is around, because she's toxic.
Instead of disliking her, I feel sorry for her....because its sad when at this age you have to resort to playground tactics to cause a reaction from someone who clearly cares nothing about you. I wish she would just say, hey...i really like you and I want to be friends because she acts like a schoolyard crush that has gone wrong. Get over yourself my dear, I will never like you if you continue to treat me the way I do and most importantly you will not bully me into liking you. Concentrate on the people who love you and not so much on the person who has no opinion one way or the other....
So yeah, I'm making it my duty to uplift a woman today...wanna join me:)

I cry so easily, which is not a bad thing but its not a great thing. I used to be the type of chick that was attitude, no one could get close...basically an impostor. I refused to having meaningful connections because in my opinion it meant that I would have to open up. I wasn't into sharing my story or being vulnerable so it was impossible to have any real kind of relationship with me.
Well thankfully I've matured, and I'm much more open to feelings and I can actually relate to other people because sharing isn't gut wrenching anymore. Sometimes I cry when I think of the past and of lately I've been crying about the future. Whether its making my mum proud at a graduation or clinching that job that I want...I get emotional because for the first time I want the things and plan to achieve the "things" that I want.
I do still believe in privacy but at the expense of shutting off a conversation or becoming vague to someone. I have no real hangups about spilling my guts, admitting I'm anxious or just having down moments where my inner voice doubts itself. Words of others, mean nothing to me and if anything the more discouragement I get the more excited I am about facing my goals.

So basically I'm putting it out there...I am open. Eek I can't believe I said that! I am open to love and hate and to not always being in your favor and to stumbling along life's pathways. I don't have most of the answers but I have some and I can identify what it is that I need to be happy. Now I know that my happiness is not always popular with some, but trust....the happiness I feel cannot be crumbled or swayed by personal opinion or by floundering fallacies.

So yeah here I am raw and naked and OK with that...you shall see every lump, stretch mark mole and you like it because I love it

Fat and Stupid Ass Relationships

So yeah,
long story short I'm dating a guy who is sort of beneath me.. I know that sounds radical its just that where I am today as in this minute HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME. He has more luggage than Naomi Campbell at Heath row, children, grandchildren...plus someone I totally respect says that because of the age difference, he will begin to age me. You have no idea how close i was to spitting out my morning coffee. After years of slacking off, I am in a good place. I have a good job, that doesn't pay which is another post. School is looking good and though I face normal challenges I can say I much rather where I am today, than where I was 2 years ago. This relationship kind of happened and though there are many good moments. Some of the not so good ones have been weighing me down.

1) He is financially unstable, which if you know me is a problem because I am deathly afraid of poverty.

2) He has children and grandchildren and an ex-wife. None of these people directly affect me, but I'm a selfish chick so one day they will

3) Though his job doesn't pay that way, he does a trade where he can make money...but ummm he is lazy and chooses not to work.

4) Let's not even touch his car which got repossessed and I can't even continue I have this feeling in the put of my stomach.

So yeah I guess I want a reason out, but I'm having a hard time coming up with one. In my work I don't get the opportunity to date so really this kind of works for me. But I swear, if I'm dating someone this old, you would think there would be some benefits. I'm hoping and praying that this trip to California goes through and that I can take the time while on the beach (lol) to really think about the future of this relationship.

He's kind of one of those men who look good on the outside, but don't have 100 to his name. This probably makes me look like a loser for being associated but ahhh we all make mistakes. With him I have not gained anything but WEIGHT.

Switching gears. I am on a major diet. I have about 20 pounds of fat on me that has GOT to disappear. I am working out again and eating healthy so hopefully my body will snap about into shape. The stomach and thighs are killing me and definitely doing a doozy to self-esteem. I once known for my body and know yeah... that body is gone:( So I will keep myself in check and run and snack lightly and stay away from vending machines. Wish me luck!

Jackie Pt. 2

As promised, though very late....here is some info on my style idol and all around icon...

Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis (July 28, 1929 – May 19, 1994) was the wife of United States President John F. Kennedy from 1953 to his death in 1963. She served as First Lady of the United States from 1961 until her husband's assassination. She was married to Aristotle Onassis from 1968 until his death in 1975. In later years she had a successful career as a book editor. She preferred her first name to be pronounced in the French manner (IPA: /ʒækˈliːn/).[1] After her marriage to Kennedy she was known as Jacqueline Kennedy or Jackie Kennedy; upon her marriage to Onassis and thereafter she was known as Jacqueline Onassis, Jackie Onassis, or more informally as Jackie O.

Through the years during and after she was First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy was a fashion icon. Many women tried to copy her clean suits, dresses and hairstyles. She had a tendency to wear French designers like Chanel, Givenchy, and Christian Dior but later made American designers like Lilly Pulitzer and Oleg Cassini well-known after wearing their clothes while being First Lady.[20] Still today Jackie is known for an impeccable style and is thought of as the most stylish of the First Ladies.

She is just everything I believe a woman should be, yeah she's flawed and she lived dangerously in some people's opinions but she lived. Wether in Paris, New York or the Hamptons she was always the best dressed lady and popularized effortless chic. She wore classic pieces and made simple and brainy sexy. I loved that her makeup was light and that she wore simple haircuts and was just generally not fussy.

I always try to read up on her and one of my favorites books about her is called
What Would Jackie Do?: An Inspired Guide to Distinctive Living by Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway. I love this book, it was a quick read and filled with everything from the colour of her bedding to her favorite poems.

ok, did my im cleaning up post just get deleted....i am not happy right now...ok lets change the scene around here. This blog is basically a mishmash of my everyday life. So I can tell you for the last few days I have been in seclusion...not for any cool reason, to protest Tibetan Monks or Children who are sex slaves....nah I turned another year older and it hit me HARD. So I'm feeling better and nothing makes me feel quite as good as talking about fashion, drinking water and Jackie O...
I plan to do a mega post on my favorite gal...now if you were to see me you would say UMMMM why do YOU like Jackie O. Well because my dear, she embraces everything I represent, class, intrigue, mystery, fashion and hopefully soon money. She is just an icon for what young women need to start looking up to and not the Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton's of the word. Sweet Jesus, can we pull that skirt down, can we go easy on the multicoloured eyeshadow...(let me catch my breath.
So im obsessed with basically anything Kennedy and I go to bookstores looking for Information and books on them. What a complex family and just soooo weird. They are a telanova all by themselves and I believe my generation of young people don't really take an intrests in there lives. Anyways... back to Jackie.. I read this book called " What would Jackie Do" by some chicks, and it just changed everything to me...they had tips and all sorts of stuff that Jackie believed in, her dinnerware, pyjamas everything so intresting. So tomorrow I will prepare to give you all some trivia concerning the book and her.

Well let me give you some stats:

I am taking 2 classes this summer Biology 101 and Physical Science 101 (belch)
I am on a diet (its working)
I'm starting my grad program this coming fall
I love clothes, though I can't fit into any othem because I've gained like 20 pounds (eek)


That's enough for now, so I will find some Madame Jackie and fill you in later
Blessings
Y.

I'm Cleaning Up

Welcome

This is just me speaking about things that move or dissapoint me. I am cannot to be tricked, moved or coerced into anything that my soul disagrees with. I am in a weird place now, but I believe that just as the sun rises each morning that I will be over this slump as well. This blog is for us to share and understand with each other, I welcome debate and opinion and sometimes snark. Sometimes I will pepper this blog with fashion, beauty advice and other random stuff, because I am a random kindof girl. I hope that this is a consistent thing, because consistency tends to be one of my character flaws...oh well....happy reading and I hope we can become virtual friends

Blessings
becauseisaidso....