And So it Is................... (theme from CLOSER)

Before there was Jack there was a man by the name of "blank blank"....though sweet Jackie had to let him GO! That's what I did on Friday and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it. I've been pretty down for the last couple of months. Something has been feeling off..I couldn't describe it but I knew that I wasn't happy any more. I feel like my youth was literally ripped from underneath me and caught myself wearing flats and eating chicken wings...undiva like behavior. I know that this separation will hurt... I've been used to the rides and money here and there..but its not worth my happiness. I literally can't recognize myself. I was looking at my calves this morning and I just feel swollen. I've never felt like this before nor have I every let myself go this point. Everything is out of whack and I'm finally reached my limit. Studying and Working Out is all I can do at this point to feel like Yolande again. I have some big engagements coming up so I must look and feel my best. Jackie politely gave the ring back and she and her ex-fiancee ended up being great friends. I'm not sure if this will happen in my situation but I have to at least be willing to follow through and let go.
I just miss my sassy self....the only way for to find her is to cut the fat and find her. I can't do that and be unhappy and I'm the sort that finds solace in food. My relationship is literally draining of me of life source. I believe he knows that...though he may not want to admit it. I know he's not happy either..and as much as I love him, I love me more.

I'm going raw this coming Monday..just trying to get healthy..this will be difficult and hard for me since I lack no self control but I'm hoping through prayer and meditation I will be able to get over this weight issue. Ok no processed food, no wings, no sweets....no CRAP I deserve better...

See ya
Y

I think I have decided that doing things my way DOES NOT WORK

So let's take me out of it and now that we have a BLACK PRESIDENT (woot woot)

there are some things that I have to start and finish.

1) Work Out

2) Eat Green literally

3) Study 5 hours a day on my LSAT

4) Finish outstanding classes

5) Complete my screenplay

6) Start writing more in general

I am not sure why I continue to be my worst enemy...is it low self esteem, is it that I just don't care? Who knows...it just has to stop. My job doesn't define and since I'm not even being paid. I'm not killing myself for it any longer. My relationship is literally on its last leg and my old relationship has gone nowhere and that's probably because I'm holding on to the relationship that I'm in that's going NOWHERE. His daughter will be here very soon...so I think that will be out.

I know in my heart that I cannot handle raising a child. I still have issues with children and I don't want to set myself up for something that I know I cannot deal with. Its rough, but I'm sure that I will be able to convey it in a much more succinct way to my dear old friend. I believe that his influence on me, is not a positive and I'm not sure why I feel so much older around him. That could be the weight issue which is literally killing ME!

I bought some vegetables and I'm really trying to watch what I eat. Clearly workout is not enough. My legs were killing me while I jogged today and that's just an indication that I haven't done any REAL exercise in a long time. I hate the way I look, but I'm not willing to say OKKKKKKKKKKKK working out and eating wings do not mesh.

So Goal for Week 1: Eat more veggies and fruits/NO CARBS....if I get through this I will treat myself later

love always

Y

ps. I love that picture up above...its just Black Love to me...makes me kind of want to fall in love. GO OBAMA!

When is Enough...Enough

Have I hit my breaking point...this fat FAT FAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT

Sisterhood

I made a mistake and joined a group of girls, expecting change and sisterhood. Instead I got headache and regrets. I'm not at a place in my life where I do not have time for foolishness and rumours. Now these rumors are actually untrue. Nonetheless it's still painful and just plain rude. I'm not sure if its an issue with the person I date or just mean girls...but I'm so over it. I hate that I have to walk on eggshells around people. I actually refuse to do so, I'm much better at being a lone...at least away from caustic women. I've never gotten along with women and maybe its because I'm not the one or I'm not into secrets....I just plain don't care enough to make long lasting bonds. Whatever it is. I want nothing to do with that kind of sisterhood.

I have really nothing for anyone to be jealous of....yet. I'm going to law school and I'm about to drop this weight like a bad habit. So anyone who is upset or jealous better watch out. I used to be a little harsh, kind of rough around the edges...impatient and just plain get out of my face....I'm now on a different track but I still can pop off when and if I choose. Its cool though I cannot wait till Alumni or Graduation its about to be on...I'm already planning my attack!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't planning on working out tonight, but now I'm going. I need to feel the sweat running down my back. I need to feel the loss of breathe. I need to regain my Halle Berry SDA swagger and go hard and never mind. Oh its on and POPPPPING

Let's TALK!!!!!

Soooo, what's happening. I started my point system and I feel so much more optimistic about things! I think I can beat this 35 pounds into oblivion. I've been keeping up with my diet and not eating crap at night. Now I'm eating fruit at 2 in the morning. Yeah....I know I should be eating NADA but old habits die hard. Speaking of old habits, my ex is still popping up and still trying to work something out. Maybe I'm just not believing the hype, but I'm keeping my eye out on him. I know that I love him, I just wonder if that's enough. Oh well...I just got to keep my mind of the prize and finish what work I have in front of me. Losing this weight is a number one priority. I plan to go back to running in the morning and tae bo at night again. The appetite is just the first hurdle that I have to get through. I wonder how my trip with go to you know where. Will it be awkward...will we fall magically back in love. Will we argue about the past. Will I go home with a ring? Who knows, but one thing I'm sure of, the trip will change my life in one way or the other.

I know we both made some serious mistakes, but we are older now. Hopefully we have our shit together and we can just move on, love and do what couples do. Ahhhh, my Spanish love...who would have thought it!

I need a HUG Jesus!

I know I know I am horrible. I need to commit myself to writing here at least once or twice a week. Life is good, though I still a slacker I still feel that I am moving towards a better "place" I really want to know why I am so full of hot air. I mean I can spew some crap sometimes, just I will, I will, I will and I don't do anything. I really want to stop this destructive behavior. I really need God's help and his hand to guide me into this transition. I am too old, for this foolishness! I am disappointed in myself, I know I should be farther along then I am. I have to look myself in the mirror and tackle some of my biggest demons. Weight and Education. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this huge, its utterly disgusting. I am actually concerned:( I keep saying I will do something, but I don't.

There are two things that I am praying for guidance with:
My weight I would like to lose 15 pounds by mid October
My Education I would like to finish more than halfway of my courses.
So I write this open letter to God asking for his help. SINCERELY!
I am tired of not feeling pretty and not feeling smart enough. Ok enough babbling. The first thing on the agenda is drinking more water. So lets see what happens when one stops eating junk and drinks more water:)

I will check in later PEACE

The NeW NeW

Soooooooooo I got a call from my ex and to put a long story short...He still LOVES me:) Now what do I do with this information. Now I am dating someone, and its going well with him. This blast from the past is really shaking me to the core. I totally have feelings for this guy, and I also feel that we have a deep history that makes being together envitable. This guy that I'm dating is very nice and being with him has made me happy for the last year.